Oh my.....where to begin? You know how it is with depression, right? You go through all these ups and downs and it seems like life is a neverending rollercoaster? Well actually, scratch the depression part, life in general is like this for everyone. Anyway, Right now I am on the downward part of the rollercoaster, but I feel like I could be steadily moving back up. The thought of it scares me shitless.
I hate being semi....well I wont say happy, I'll say satisfied with myself and my life, and then one little thing happens and it's like my high balloon of goodness has just been popped. :( My balloon is red by the way(just to add to th visual) I don't know why, but I like red balloons better. Even better than I like black and purple ones, and those are my two favorite colors.....Anyway, yes, adhd much?
Moving forward ---> I have been really down lately, especially this weekend. It wasn't nearly as bad as I will mmost likely make it out to be, it's just that my feelings about it are overwhelming to say the least, so bear with me, I apologise in advance for any over played emotions and whatnot...I'm not even sure that what I just said made any sense.
My friend Hitlerfish came over on Friday. She was cool, we had fun and she ended up staying until sunday. She is like my awkward counterpart, and we get along great. Now here comes the bad part; My friend Cloudia came over on saturday and stayed until sunday. Now don't get me wrong, this in itself is not a bad thing at all. I enjoy her company, but like any other person on the planet I do not like it when people act unecessary and childish when they are supposed to act like a mature fourteen year old. Ahem. Anyway, she had been wanting to watch this movie called Anastasia for a really long time, and I happen to own it on vhs, so we were going to watch it. Unfortunately there was a problem with the sound system and my dad had to fix it. Well Cloudia got all impatient and went into the other room. I walked in there and I found that she was using MY laptop. This fact alone would not have irked me nearly as much if she would have only asked to use it. That tacked on to the fact that she was being completely rude towards my dad when he was trying to make us happy is a completely diffirent issue. I am sorry, but if you are going to behave that way to ANYONE in my family, you are not staying at my house anymore. I am respectful to you and your family, so I atleast expect you to be respectful to me and mine.
I also feel like the only reason she even came over was to use my laptop. She has only 30 permitted hours or something like that of internet usage per month at her place, and she can't go on her favorite websites apparently, so she prettymuch spent the whole time on my laptop rather than actually socializing with us, It honestly really hurt my feelings. I felt like I didn't matter to her at all (which I now know that I don't). That led to feeling like nobody cared at all, and all of a sudden I was at the medicine cabinet holding a large bottle of Ibuphrofen in my hand.
Now, I had to take some because I had a headache(I wonder why...), but I honestly felt like downing the entire thing. I contemplated it seriously. I wondered if that would get somesort of wmotion out of everybody. More than that, I didn't want to feel sadness anymore. I didn't want to feel pain....I know that sounds cowardly as hell, but it is the truth. And I was honestly thinking that nobody would miss me anyway. The fact that she never even apologised, even though she was aware of how I felt, saddened me more. I still feel like I must have done something wrong to piss her off. But then again I remind myself of just what kind of 'friend' would put me through this, and I begin to realize that there are so many other people who atleast like me enough to care about me even if she may not. I understand her behavious issues and where they come from. She acts like I did when I was ten years old, only I realized how much I was hurting others, and I atleast tried to stop it. I try not to stomp other peoples emotions into the dirt like she does. It is times like these when the only thing that brings me back a little, or atleast stops me from doing something that either I, the people around me, or both would live to regret, is thinking about the things and people that I love. I have no problem telling people that I love them. I have a HUGE problem saying the word hate about anything, and I get annoyed greatly when other people do because more often than not, the use it in a very childish and senseless mannor.If you really don't like something that much, what is the point in putting so much emotion in it? I have a probelm with people telling me that they love me, but I am making an honest effort to get over it.
So I guess Cloudia is just a social friend. I will hangout with her, because I do believe that she is a good person really, and I like her, but she will never be a person whom I can confide in, and I will never be close to her, I have two other friends for that
So that was long, and very boring, but it was something that I needed to get off my chest
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