Forgive Me for Not Worshiping Your Myth

My mom said that she's afraid I'm falling away from God, but she doesn't know that I've been Atheist for two years now. What's the point if we're all going to die in the end? There's no giant dude in the sky who put us here for a reason, because we're all just going to be forgotten eventually. We are just an evolution of some strange organism. I just wonder about the people who believe in Heaven. If my parents had given me a choice, I doubt I would have been Catholic in my youth. I wish I was never baptized, but, now that I think about it, it doesn't really matter.
Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever fully grasped that theory, the one everyoneforced wanted me to believe. It's like a rope that was hanging by a small thread which was still intact. As a child, I was told that God was real, and never even given the choice to believe otherwise. I think I was a troubled child. I tried so hard to behave and please everyone. I think the message implanted in my head was something like, "If you didn't make God your life, you were a terrible person." Of course, no one ever told me that to my face, but that's what it seemed like they were forcing into my small mind. Manipulation of small children was the key to make clones that believed in God.
That rope of blinded faith was always suspicious to my childhood self. It felt as though, if I had actually grasped it, I would have immediately fallen into the bottomless pit of my never-existing beliefs. The rope was still and begging for me to grab on, begging me to trust those around me that I admired the most. The rope told me that those people would always love me and that life would be perfect if I believed in God. That there would be a Heaven and I could talk to all of my family that I'd never met before. That they would know me and be so happy to finally meet me.
I never grabbed onto that rope. The one that people will grab onto for safety in this world, but it shall only hang them by their gullible faith.

Since I went to a private, Catholic school for the first nine years of my education, I never thought much about religion in my life until one day when something in my life changed. It's not that I tried to avoid religion, it's just that it was already implanted in my brain, like the alphabet. I already knew that I was supposed to believe in God, because he created everyone and everything and I was to be so grateful.
I don't think I ever really did, though. Not even when it was implanted in my brain for that time of my childhood.
I started to doubt my 'faith' when my grandfather was taken away from me in the summer of 2005 through cancer.
Just thinking about him as I wrote that last sentence brought tears to my eyes.
I was only nine years old. Apparently old enough to realize the lies that were forced into my life. I remember being home alone one day, screaming at the ceiling, asking God why he had taken my papaw. I had no idea why God would hate me enough to take him. There had been deaths in my life before, but this...this was so much more different. I had never taken a death so seriously, and I've never wanted to not accept anything as much. I didn't believe it, after he was gone. I knew he was gone, but it still felt like adream nightmare I was about to wake up from, crying. Unfortunately, I still can't accept it, and I still cry as though it just happened yesterday.
That was the first event that led to doubting my faith.

In seventh grade, I found out about evolution.
I'm a strong logical thinker, so I took interest in it. I love science and everything that was associated with evolution. After a while of studying it, a friend of mine asked if I believed it. I questioned what she meant by "believed it". She said, "Well, it didn't really happen. God created everything and you know that."
Time froze after she said that. I just replied, "Well, of course I don't believe it. I'm Catholic and I know that God made me, yeah." In my head, My thoughts were swarming. Later that day, I pondered for hours. I didn't realize that you couldn't believe in evolution and God at the same time. I had never put the two together.
My faith plummeted.
I was a closeted Atheist for the remaining year there at that school, but I didn't really even tell myself about it. That may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

I don't hate 'God', I just hate the fact I was forced to love him. I don't hate my mother, I just hate the fact that I'm afraid to admit I don't believe in God.
You may encourage me to tell her and that she'd understand and accept it, because I'm her daughter; her own blood.
I doubt that will happen.
All I want is formy mother people to accept me for who I am.