I can't breathe.

I don't keep a diary. I don't write down what I feel anymore. I suck it up.

But I can't keep doing that because it's killing me.

I haven't felt truly in love for quite a long time, but I can remember better than anything what it used to feel like. So maybe it's not love I'm feeling now, maybe it's the sweet nostalgic memory of it. Either way, it's driven me into hysterical tears.

I haven't cried like this over you since the summer, when I used to every. Fucking. Day. It's sick and twisted to say I miss this summer, because I was weaker over the summer. So much weaker. And no matter how heartbroken I was from June 26 to (secretly) this day, I ALWAYS had someone that - if they couldn't hold me while I cried - would comfort me over the phone. Ironically? It was you, most of the time. And you were the whole fucking reason I was ripped apart. Just you.

Half way through the summer, I discovered Just Keep Breathing by Automatic Loveletter.I bawled my fucking eyes out to it.

But now I'm stronger, right? Right. It's true that what doesn't kill you - especially if it almost does - makes you stronger, because you can't break me anymore. Only your memory can. So why did I just start screaming in pain and sobs at the sound of that song?

Half of me doesn't wanna live anymore, but I have to. I want to see things get better. I want winter to be over, and not only because I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD - ironic, right?), but because winter was the best and worst time of my life last year.

This made no sense, right? It's choppy and confusing but it helped. I stopped crying.

And one more thing, love. It's February 27. Remember how things were exactly a year ago? It'd be our fifteen month anniversary today.