Snide remarks.

This is from my personal blog

I can’t be arsed with your stupid judgements on my looks and personality, I’ve had enough problems with my weight and looks as it is without some dicks online judging me too. I’m 5’8” and I’m size 14, right I’m not exactly the healthiest person but I don’t exactly stuff my fucking face all the time and I do exercise. I can only usually stomach one meal a day, sometimes even less. This is societies fault, maybe not yours but someone surrounding you has given one of those judging stares, one of those threatening looks where you can see into their eyes and know what they’re thinking, then the snide remarks to their friends confirm what they think- she’s ugly, she’s fat as fuck, why does she even show her face. I know what they think and I know what they say, I’m not thick by any means.
I used to sit in front of a mirror and criticize every millimeter of my body, name a body part and I could sit and write about the faults in that area for hours. I used to think about all my imperfections and it was all I used to think about.
Two years ago I had a battle with myself, no I wasn’t anorexic, I just had trouble accepting myself(clearly, so did everyone who surrounded me). Before the summer I would ‘accidentally’ wake up late for school so I would never eat breakfast, I never ate school lunches anyway because I was a vegetarian and there was very little choice for me then and dragging lunch around was bare effort. My mum knew this so when she came home from work she would give me a plate of food so big that you could get full by looking at it, she would sit me down and force me to eat no matter how long it took me to finish. At this point I was a size 16/18 and around 5’6/7”, it was never healthy. I would do everything I could in PE class and stay after school to use the gym, even staying behind in the library so I could avoid people at home. The summer holidays came quickly and it was just another excuse for me to do more and eat less, I was out almost every day pissing about, running around Queens park and throughout town centre, even just around Farnworth. I’d walk everywhere I could instead of getting the bus, if I got the bus I’d walk to a bus stop far away and get off a few stops before or after where I was supposed to go unless I was running extremely late. I had to do everything I could. When I went home at night I’d say I took food for lunch and bought my tea in town, really I’d go to morrisons and buy a bit of bread or fruit, I was filling myself up with water and when I needed it energy drink. My weight was dropping in no time. Obviously I was made to spend some time at home, we’d go for pub food because my parents couldn’t be bothered cooking. After I’d managed to stomach half a meal or so I’d beg my parents to let me walk home, I’d run through the dell and up to my house and force myself to bring it back up and if I felt too weak after that I’d go to the fridge and eat some zero/extremely low calorie foods, usually strawberries or celery. My family and friends started noticing how fast my weight was dropping, halfway through summer and I was down a whole dress size. I was nowhere near perfect. I carried on like this until around November that year, I had gone from a size 16/18 to a definite 12, I saw some extended family who I very rarely see and my cousin stood me aside and had a talk with me, she had been through exactly the same when she was my age, only she was so so much worse. She would have an excuse to stay every weekend, claiming she didn’t realize how much she missed me. She spent this time watching me like a hawk and slowly encouraging me to eat, sometimes just larger portions and sometimes small portions of unhealthy foods. I wasn’t allowed out of her watchful eye, she was like my saviour. Slowly she made me realize what I was doing to myself and how much it was worrying her and other members of my family, none of them wanting another ordeal like hers. This was mid-late 2009, the buildup wasn’t included because I really do not want to relive those times thank you, it started around late 2008 though and slowly progressed. I’m now around a size 12/14 but I’m not exactly happy with this, I often find myself getting back into the habit of ‘oh, I’ve had my tea elsewhere/before you got home’ and I’ve perfected faking ill so I don’t have to eat if another excuse doesn’t work. I’ve got the excuse of not being able to eat so early in a morning and I still don’t eat lunch at school. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a knife and hacking at my thighs, my stomach, my hips and even my arms, sometimes I stand in front of a mirror and laugh at myself because I look so pathetic; because if I can’t laugh i’ll only cry. Some days I’m quite the opposite, some days I feel fucking perfect, some days I’ll eat toast when I get home from school and tea at around 7, some weekends I’ll eat out at mcdonalds, kfc or even pizza hut, sometimes I’m able to buy a stupid amount of crap from the shop and eat it all in two nights. It depends on how many people decided to be shallow pricks that week and you know what really irks me? When I’m out with my ”’friends”’ and they point out someone who is clearly around my size or smaller and call them FAT, I tell my friends ‘thats exactly what I look like’ they tell me i’m not fat, then i’ll look at said girls legs and theres a gap between them that never appears between my legs, her waist will be about 5 inches smaller than mine and she’ll look fucking perfect. The ultimate confidence boost, clearly. I should probably stop this as it’s like a pissing autobiography.

Well, I’m Annie and that was my story I guess, I hope you’re fucking happy with it you anonymous cunts.

It was the people at my school and my family who caused this, the snide remarks and the teasing jokes. You should NEVER call a person because of what they look like, because unless you’ve been a victim yourself you’ll never know how much damage it can cause to that person.