I am terrified of my future.

I went to a meeting at my school tonight about advanced placement classes. They were talking about the statistics of how many students actually graduate & go to college & the entire time that she was talking I kept thinking to myself "I am terrified I'm going to be among the ones that don't." I'm terrified to become like my parents. Never picking a career & basically never having a job or doing something they like but leads them to submitting themself to a mental hospital.

I don't want to end up like that. I want to go somewhere in life. I want to do something that matters to someone other than me. But I have no idea what. & I'm scared. I am honestly scared to the point that I used to think about killing myself before i turn seventeen if I don't have an idea of what I want to do. I don't want that to happen. I wanna see what the world is going to be like in twenty years. But it's scary. What will I do if I can't get into college? What will I do if I never get a job? I can't live with my parents forever. I can only take so much of them as it is.

I just... Ugh.

I remember when I was little I never even thought about the future. I thought about what it would be like to have a boyfriend & that was basically it. I didn't have a reason to fear not having a career. But now, I do. I've realized how much my parents have screwed up their lives by never going to college. My dad is 52 & he's just now about to go to school. I don't want to do that. I won't be able to do that. Unlike my dad I have no training in anything. College will be my training & what am I supposed to do if I can't make it there?