I'm in love with you, and you say you love me too. So, why are you with her?

You know the song that goes "I'm so lucky to be in love with my bestfriend." Well, it's only half true. Yeah, it's amazing to be in love with the person you trust with everything, the person who accepts you for all that you are and always has your back, but not this time. Not for me.

I've liked my best friend, who back then wasn't my best friend, for about 3 years now. He's by far the sweetest guy I've ever known and can always cheer me up when no one else can. He knows I have feelings for him and I know he has feelings for me. However, there's a few problems. He lives in Texas and I live in California. He can't move back until he graduates in two years. Alas, the worst of them all and the cause of most of my tears is he has a girlfriend, who lives 20 minutes from me. He claims to love me a lot and promises he'll visit as soon as he can so he can see me, but I feel so stupid and unimportant the more I think about my situation. I mean, if he really loved me he would be with me and not her right? They've been together for almost a month and when he told me they had gotten together I couldn't help but burst into tears. Now, the more I think about it the more I feel as if I'm being kept so that he can feel good about himself. He stopped talking about most personal stuff altogether with me and now instead of talking to me before bed, he talks to her. I know I sound like a spoiled brat, but he made me spoiled. It's hard going from being showered with affection and pure concern to being treated like just a friend. The funny thing is that he said he didn't want things to get weird, but he's the one that made them weird. If I had known that telling him of my feelings would ruin everything I was afraid I'd lose with him then I never would have said a word.

Is it wrong for me to be jealous of her? I honestly don't think so. He knew of my feelings for three years and then we got closer and became best friends that had feelings for each other. One of them thought his feelings weren't returned because the other had a few boyfriends and bad breakups, while the other tried so hard to keep her feelings buried because she knew how much pain it would bring her if she didn't. The closer she gets to him, the more he pulls away to his girlfriend.

I thought you said I was your angel? You don't make me feel like an angel, you make me hurt and cry. You make me wonder what I did to deserve these feelings, to admit that I want to be with you, only for you to knock me down.

Your caring words only serve to rub salt in my already burning wound. Now instead of telling me how you love me everyday, you say "Best friend" this and that. Why did you admit your feelings to me only to torture me when I admitted my feelings for you?

I know in my heart you don't do it on purpose, but this is what I meant when I said love turns me into a monster. I'm greedy and selfish. It kills me to know you're willing to go through all that trouble to be with her, when you never wanted to try it with me. I'm your special girl right? Well, from where I'm looking I'm not the one worth all the trouble. I wish I was worth it for you, I really do. I'll be stupid and wait for you, I'll give you a chance because I'd hate myself if I let you go that easily. Please, prove to me you're worth the pain.