I define myself as bisexual. I know, sexuality isn't something that's set in stone. It's flexible. No one has the same exact preferences. The Kinsey scale is something of genius, in my opinion. But I wish it ran deeper, put everything into a group, why you like each sex, what you want from them, etc.
For me, I don't really want to have sex with a guy. I just... don't. I know why I don't, but it's a bit... much to put in a journal. I'm not disgusted by penis' or anything, I don't don't see anything about them all that... pleasing. Guys are just kinda something pretty to look at for me... I usually like guys based only off of their looks, and I know that's terrible, but that's just how my brain works.
Girls on the other hand. When I see a girl, I see the girl. I see her looks, I see how she presents herself, etc. & if all of that pans out into something I like, then I like her. It's more complex than when I like a guy. I don't just see a girl & go "oh, that girl's really sexy." & maybe that's because it's not natural for me, I didn't grow up thinking that, I'm not sure. That sounds like a bad thing, like I should know, but when I was little my parents never taught me about gay people. Ever. I learned that all on my own. & I know I like girls. I just find it harder to fall for them.
My best friend tried to help me understand my sexuality and how she so often does, she sees me better than I do. She understands how my brain works, even when I don't explain things correctly. & I'm not sure if she's right on the dot, but her way of explain my sexuality is "bisexual but a lesbian romantically".
(Edit on 3/7: Looking back on the way she said that I've come to realize that it should actually be bisexual but lesbian sexually...)
I feel like my sexuality should be what sex I like more often that not. Which scares me, because I honestly feel like I like girls. I feel like I could get somewhere with a girl, that I know how to treat them better than I know how to treat guys. They're not a mystery to me, they're understandable most of the time.
I don't fall for girls that aren't going to like me back. Ever. I mean, I have before. But I always end up getting it through my head that I basically have 0% chance with them & then I get over them. Not that I haven't wished that they weren't straight, because I liked one of my friends about a year ago & I still find myself wishing she weren't straight 'cause damn, I'd love a chance with her. But I don't & I know that.
Maybe it's because it's more appealing when I actually have a chance with a girl, maybe not. I have no idea.
All of this questioning has reminded me of the guy I find rather interesting at the moment. Which really makes me wonder, because I want to get to know him. I want to be able to like him. I don't want to just see him as just a hot guy. But then again, I kinda just came to the conclusion that I only like guys because they're hot. But I don't exactly, I just don't really know them well enough to like them for anything else other than their looks. So maybe, it would actually be the same thing? Maybe I'd start seeing guys the same way I sees girls if I got to know how guys worked. But right now, I don't. At all. Seriously, I'm completely clueless with guys. With girls though, I usually understand.
Does this make any sense to any of you?
I strongly despise questioning my sexuality. One of the worst feelings ever.
I hate questioning my sexuality.
March 6th, 2011 at 11:09pm