Someone I held close to my heart committed suicide recently. I'm really struggling with the fact that someone I love, is gone. But more than that, I'm struggling with what I should feel. I'm broken, and I'm so upset about it, but then people keep on telling me that I should smile, and be happy. I understand that someone being sad isn't what friends like to see, but I mean, give me a break.
I'm sorry if I'm having troubles sleeping at night, because all I see is his face.
I'm sorry I loved him, and I don't know how to survive.
I'm sorry if I'm quiet, because he's all I think about.
I'm sorry for the tears that I sometimes let out.
I'm sorry if I can't laugh at your jokes.
I'm sorry if I'm distant.
I'm sorry I can't say goodbye.
I'm sorry I'm upset that he died only four days ago.
I'm sorry for everything.
I feel like I have to be happy for my friends, so I try.
I try to smile, I force my laugh when they say something,
and I try so damn hard to make them happy.
But it's not fair for them to do that, is it?
Am I not allowed to be upset that he's gone?
I don't want to be miserable forever, just for a little while.
I understand that if I'm happy I won't forget him,
but that doesn't mean I should be all laughs and everything,
when it's only been four days, does it?
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