That stupid four letter word.

There's this guy...
Wow, this seems to be like it'll be annoying, but I have to tell SOMEBODY and I can't talk to anybody around me, because everybody is ignoring me tonight it seems.

But, I really like this guy. I think I even love him. His eyes make me smile and his laugh stops my heart and oh god, don't get me started on his smile. I mean, I like him so much that it hurts my heart so bad when I think about the last fact.

He doesn't like me.

I know he doesn't hate me, but he definitely doesn't like me. We aren't friends, we're barely acquaintances, and completely opposites.

I'm an "emo" outsider and he's our grade's biggest jock.

And I just, I know that I shouldn't like him. Hell, so many people tell me that it's stupid to feel like this.

And a few months ago, I made the mistake of telling a few people that I liked him that were outside my close knit group of friends, and they told everyone and then this girl forced me to ask him out, and I did.
He said No, obviously. And everyone around him (yea, the chick made me do it with people around) began laughing at me, and I'm pretty sure when I walked away, he laughed, too.

Which actually does prove a lot...

And that just kills me... I want to hate him, that is my biggest wish for my birthday on Thursday. Is to be able to hate him, but truthfully, I think I love him. I know, I know, I'm only just about to be fifteen, how can I love someone? but I really think I do... I can't even get myself to like anyone else, can't get attracted to anyone else... I just...and it kills me.

I just... I know, I sound stupid and whiny, but I had to get this out. And wanna know how pathetic I am? Just TYPING this makes me feel like I wanna cry and like my heart is, like, ripping itself apart.

Yea, that's how much I like him...

and I don't know what to do...
Anybody got advice for me?