I don't know who I am.

I'm lost. I am so fucking lost right now & it scares the hell out of me. Who am I?

Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? Am I just a really, really confused straight person? What is going on?!

I don't know.

On one hand, I like vagina. I know I do. But when it comes to liking girls I find it so much harder. I can't look at a girl & just think "oh, she's sexy." I've spent such a long time picking apart girls piece by piece. Analyzing the way they walk, what they wear, that I can't just see a girl & think that.

On the other hand, though, I have no idea how to talk to guys. & I don't think I'd like to have sex with one, either. The idea if sucking a dick is not appealing to me. But then, when I look at guys, I can instantly tell whether I think they're attractive. I am so confused.

How do I tell? When will I know? When will all this questioning end? I'm terrified. I don't even know of what. I guess that I'll decide I'm straight & have to deal with my father's silent "I told you so's" the rest of my life. That I am a lesbian & I've just blocked out the "that girl's sexy" thoughts for so long that it just doesn't come naturally. That I'm so terrified that my friends that don't know I like girls will be able to read my expression when I do see hot girls. That I am bisexual & worrying for no reason. That Samantha will be the only girl I ever date. I don't know.

I hate questioning myself like this. I cannot stand this. I just want to know. But I don't. & I don't know when I will or if I ever will & I'm so scared. I'm so, so scared.