When is it considered love? The moment the two people meet for the first time? That first kiss? Or is all that just movie scenes? Either way, it’s a confusing road. Even more so when the complications before you are overwhelming. Is it better to just go out, and date the first person you think is cute, or has a great personality, or is it better to stick with that one person you believe you could spend the rest of your life with? I believe the latter is the better, but being a closed in person that reveals nothing to anyone can lead you to believe all that. No one knows much about me, and they don’t care to find out. Should I put myself out there like an open book, or wait for someone to want to find out? What happens when you fall for a person that you never thought you would, who isn’t your type, yet they are never out of your thoughts? Does it all fall through like a broken dream, or does it piece itself together with unfathomable coincidences? When is it safe to say you have nothing in life, but you have it all before you just waiting to be taken? These are some of the things I take into consideration every day. The answered are all opinionated, yet I can’t seem to find my own opinion on any of them. The truth is I’m unsure of anything when it comes to me. I know nothing about me, how could I ever tell anyone who I am, what I like, find a middle ground with them, and build on a relationship, and not just a love relationship. Things as simple as friendship evade me. How do people find themselves? How do they know who they are so confidently, and you can’t tell me they don’t know who they are either. I see it every day, I see my friends who found me, and deal with me live their lives in simplicity, as though they never even considered the outcome, they just jump at it, and wait for the results, only to get an outcome I envy.
None of this should be considered a pity trip, or some depressed rant. It’s just the thoughts that plague me, and I want to put them into words at least once. These are my confessions. Voicing what I think and putting things into words are not what I can do, so when I can it’s best to get it all out, right?
Does love come to us all? So called couples, and ‘soul mates’, how do they find one another, and actually go through with it all. Am I just a broken person? Maybe there is something I need to change about myself, or maybe I just need to leap forward smiling. Say fuck the consequences, and take what is given to me. I thrive off of other people’s considerations, and opinions, yet I never take any of them seriously. I don’t know how to make a decision in my life, and stay with it. It’s hell not knowing what to do next. Considering so much for the future, yet never going through with any of it because you aren’t a hundred percent sure about it. Love is one thing I always want, and never get, then again. I’m sure that’s the case with so many others. I’m just a man, nothing special. Being looked over constantly is to be expected, but do I look for that someone that will look at me, or do I wait for them? I like to believe love is something that just happens. You don’t look for it because just like everything else in life, when you expect it you have a less likely chance of finding it. The chance at love is the dating part. That’s the part I can’t get to, I just can’t devote myself to someone I’m not entirely sure of, and it’s killing me inside. Knowing that trying is the best you can do, but you can’t bring yourself to try at all. I’m sure I’ll take the leap someday, but I just hope that someday won’t be too late for it. They say to take your time, but do we really have the time to consider it all? Taking the plunge is scary, but even if someone doesn’t catch you before you hit rock bottom, it’s better to fall like your flying, than fall like your dying.
You have a better chance of finding a robot unicorn, than figuring yourself out completely. Though, I have to say that I couldn’t tell you the first thing about myself, but that could be a good thing, right? It leaves it up to you to figure out who I am, and what I’m about. It lets you develop your own opinion towards me without any false consideration that I could possibly give you. Those false words people give about themselves are what make their opinion of you, and if your words aren’t true, even if you subconsciously believe them to be true their view of you is corrupt. I could tell you I’m an Aries, and my Meyer Briggs Test results are always INTP, but anything more than that, I would have the hardest time telling you. What do people want to know about another person? When do they even give a damn to find out things about another person? Is it when they find a common ground between them? Is it when one person shows they care for the other person? Maybe I just never had the chance to learn about anyone else, and never had the chance for someone to ask about me without them vanishing out of my life. All through school I lost so many close friends. One died, two just grew into a different group of people. Others left. The one that stuck with me the most was a girl I really liked, but never told her. I was her closest friend, but her home life wasn’t the best at all. Stepfather was very abusive, and when she was old enough, and her current boyfriend offered she left. Last I heard from her she was living in a two bedroom trailer with him, his two brothers, and his sister, her baby, and the boy’s mother. She was selling pills to people. After that, nothing. I blamed myself, even now I believe if I had told her how I felt about her I could have changed it all. Given her something else, been there for her. She knew me the best, and I knew her the best. Sudden realization; past experiences have the biggest impact on you without you realizing it.
Is it considered a bleak future when even you have no confidence in yourself? When you refuse to try at anything because you fucked up in the past? I think I have a pretty bleak outlook on it all, a very pessimistic one to say the least. Though, it doesn’t help that I was a bad kid in school. Not fighting, and all that. I just didn’t like to listen at all. My mom always treated me like an equal, like I was on equal grounds with her in everyday life. My dad wasn’t there, so he had no say. In school I carried that on stubbornly. I wasn’t going to be treated like I was lesser. Like I was someone that would shut up, and leave things alone. If it struck me as odd, or wrong I would say something right away. I didn’t have to follow the rules they set for me for some odd reason that I don’t even know myself to this day. Expelled twice, topping two, three hundred write ups through my whole grade school life. The one thing that I was true about was I would not give up. I wouldn’t give those teachers the satisfaction of seeing me drop out. I would graduate, and I would be something. Then I dropped out. Throwing it all away. Just two months later I quit my job because I felt they were going to fire me anyway. That’s all going on three years now, and my life still hasn’t changed a bit. Three years with my life on stand-still. I’m not even the same person I use to be. I’m even more closed up now than I ever way then. The possibility of a great future is what drove me, and now I see no possibility, so I have no drive. Day by day I hope for something good to just drop right out of the sky, and wouldn’t you know the sky only brings rain. I can’t do it alone anymore, and it doesn’t look like I’ll get a knight in shining armor. All through my life I had support, people pushing me, and I always just shrugged them off. Didn’t really take them into consideration. Then when I need them the most, when I am at my most dire need for a shoulder to lean on the pillar vanishes, and I’m left to soak in my mess that I regret. My past is horrid in my opinion, and I can’t escape it. I’ll keep hoping for that light in the distance, but I’m not going to hold my breath for it.
So, as I said earlier. This isn’t all a pity trip, or a depressed rant. This is a rant that lets me put how I feel, and what I think constantly into words. Putting those recurring thoughts to words, and putting them out to the world allows me to open new doors in my own mind, it’s my small way of voicing my opinion just once, simple confessions. And when you read this, you know more about me. You get to see a side of me that a lot of people I’m close to never have seen. So, here’s my first journal entry. I’m hoping I’ll put more in here.
Confessions of a Lost Individual...
March 10th, 2011 at 07:18am