This whole journal is going to be one long ramble, and will probably just be TL;DR, so yeah.
I want to write this journal because I've just been listening to this song. I don't think that I've ever been able to relate more to a scene ever in my life than the one that this was featured in and I now want to take this time to confront an issue that I've been having for a while now.
I've been struggling to define my sexuality for a good while now. At least a year, probably two. I turn 16 tomorrow, and I'm sure I've been questioning who I am since I was 14 - I remember admiting it to some people. That was a mistake. Anyway, the problem still stands.
At first, I thought I was completely straight. Then, I started to get feelings for one girl - a close friend, whom I loved, and still love, dearly. I instantly seemed to be happier every time she was around, and she was lovely and kind and caring and funny and basically everything that I find attractive in a person, even right down to her appearance; I've never counted appearance as being as important as personality, but I have always had a thing for people with dark hair and pale skin.
Anyway, after this, I started to question whether I could be bisexual, or even lesbian. This never came to any sort of definite conclusion, as you can see, but it did open my eyes as to the fact that I could be a different sexuality other than the one considered "default". Since then, I've never thought that I could be straight. That's the one thing that I'm almost certain of. But that still leaves so many options open.
A load of other stuff's gone on since that first incident. I've had all the ICD stuff and whatever. But this issue has been hanging over me since then.
Even more recently, I've started even to think about another thing. Pansexuality. I looked it up after dru. said that she was one, out of complete curiousity, but it does seem to be something that I can relate to. Alot. Certainly, I don't take gender into account with who I find attractive. If a person is talented, shares my sense of humour, is kind and caring, and is physically attractive to me - that's what I find I want in a partner. Gender is irrelevant. At the moment, I identify as a questioning pansexual, but only questioning.
Truth is, the idea of being pansexual scares me. This has absolutely nothing against people who are pansexual. I see nothing wrong with it at all. What scares me is people not knowing about it. I could come out as bisexual or lesbian, and people would be fine as they'd know exactly what I meant. But pansexual isn't recognised as one of the three "main" sexualities and it's this concept that scares me. Many people I know have (probably) never even heard of it. It's not part of LGBT or LBGTQ (as in, not included in the acronym) and it's just not a concept that many people are familiar with.
The problem I have is that I've never had a relationship. And without having at least one, I don't think I can truly define my sexuality. But, without knowing my sexuality, I don't think I could form a relationship with someone. So I'm stuck in this paradox.
I've found a girl at my drama group attractive. She was 11 years old at that time (but seemed at least 13 or 14). I've also found actors who are in their 40s and even 50s attractive. I don't know why actors in particular. Just because. The sheer range of people I like is massive. Just look at my (celebrity) list of mmm to see. And that's not counting the few I find attractive that I know personally as well.
I don't want to go and give myself a label, but I do want to know who I am and to be comfortable with it. All the sh-t that's gone on in my head recently has badly distorted my idea of myself, and I would really like to try and regain some kind of idea about myself again and knowing something like this would probably help me alot.
My parents have no idea that I've been questioning, and neither do my friends. I know my parents would be fine with me coming out - at least, I know they would be if I was bi or gay, so I'm fairly sure they would be with anything else. My friends would be the same. In fact, we frequently laugh about me being a lesbian - it's basically a running joke amongst us and, if I'm totally honest, I don't think it would surprise them. But I'm scared.
The person that I am, or could be, scares the hell out of me.
I know what I could do to myself. My derma- and trich- means that I basically destroy my own body slowly every day. I know exactly what I'm doing, but I'm utterly powerless to stop myself. I'm not comparing my sexuality to them, but it's still messing with my mind because I don't know what I am.
"Oh, mirror in the sky,
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changing,
'Cause I've built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
Children get older,
And I'm getting older too."
This is why that song means so much to me at the moment.
And this is why I love Mibba. It's because I feel like I can fully open up to you all, because I can put my trust in you and you don't judge me on anything else because you've never met me before.
Sorry for spilling out my insecurities and problems to you all like this.
This journal basically is just me spilling my heart and insecurities out.
March 13th, 2011 at 10:13am