drabble.

Tonight I have to work on aglebra IIH and honors chemistry homework, write an essay for honors english, read and study a chapter for AP world history and work on a semester long project that will count for a large portion of our grade.
I also have to clean my room, do laundry, and assemble the bookshelf I got to accommodate my growing library.
Today, I came to school with none of last night's homework done, yesterday's make up on my face, and eyelids so heavy from lack of sleep I had to actually put effort into keeping them open between blinks.
I've had nothing to write or draw about for weeks, months, and nothing, no one to think about for months more.

I am not stressed.

Every day I wake up knowing that I have accomplished nothing, and every afternoon I walk home from school knowing that I will accomplish even more nothing that night. And somehow, I just don't care.

How long ago was it that every bit of work ever assigned to me would be done and perfect and worthy of an A+ by the due date? It can't have been long.
But still, as I think back and try to remind myself of something, anything that I may have been doing differently then, all I can think is.. nothing.
I think back and I see blue and grey and black, but I know there has to be something more than that.
Where did my 4.0 go?
Where did my motivation go?

I remember vaguely talking to someone at a graduation party about how successful I wanted to be and how I didn't even need my parents to push me. I wanted good grades. And I got them.
I always took care of myself, academically and emotionally.
But suddenly, not only do I find my grades slipping, but also my grasp on reality.
I constantly feel like I am merely a spectator to my own life and to others'.
Just watching from a distance, not being affected.
I cannot force myself to care, no matter how hard I try.

I'm falling. And I can't catch myself.
But here's the kicker.
I would never. be able to let anyone else step in and catch me either.

When people ask me, "How are you?" I DON'T MEAN IT WHEN I SAY I'M OKAY.
I can smile, and I can laugh, and I can seem terrific.
But underneath everything, even when I don't realize it, I'm TOO EMPTY to feel ANYTHING.

But no one will ever know that, and I will never admit it.
The truth is, I'm lonely.
I'm so goddamn lonely I just feel like crying, all the time. And sometimes, I just can't stop my eyes from welling up. Those are the times when I cross my arms over my desk or over the pew in a church that I don't go to and hide my face as it contorts into something much more real.
But moments later, when I lift my head again, only subtle traces of the truth remain. The truth that I don't even want to know. The one I will never admit is real.

I'm lonely.
So fucking lonely.
I can sit in my room in the dark and scream along to my music and feel like my head is going to blow up, but what will that do?

My mom will try to get me to talk, to open up, to tell her what's wrong.
Why do I keep my head low, my clothes dark, my sleeves long?
Because you don't want to look at me, you don't.
There's nothing to see but a body.
Hollow.

My happiness is superficial. It's the loneliness that runs soul deep, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing.

I can stare at you all I want, but nothing will change.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
And I can look and I can see, but I can't understand.

Why are they stressed?
Why is she upset?
Why do his eyes look red and watery?
It's all nothing. I can hear, and I can listen, but I can't understand.
The words he's saying aren't making sense.
All of this for a girl that doesn't like him. All of this for a boy she doesn't like.
It's time to move on. Why is it so hard for them?

But I guess I don't understand, not anymore.
Not like before when I would have cried just knowing because the pain that I know I remember ran as deep as theirs. So close, but so far away.
A bond so strong but so fragile.

I remember you, love.
I always will, even at times when I so desperately want to forget.
You were my sky, but a sky that was always so unpredictable.
Days when there was night, night when the moon was so far away.
I know you're never going to come back. I know you're happier where you are, and I'm happy, so happy, for you.
But sometimes when I wonder what happened to my happiness I begin to realize that it was something that never mattered.
As long as somewhere, you were smiling and laughing at stupid jokes and not calling someone back and being shy about a girl that you hoped would love you....

I come back to this every time I think about my life. You were the biggest part of me at some point, and I don't know what happened when I left.
But also, what happened to you?
You stayed where you were, and I was dragged away. But somehow I got it backwards and thought it was the other way around.
I tried to blame everything on you.
I tried to tell myself it was your fault that I left, because you pushed me away.
Your fault he was able to pull us apart, because you never held on tightly enough.
Your fucking fault I was so sad and alone that I would take a needle and cut myself open with it.

But the truth was that it was always mine.
My fault.
He was stronger than me in every way, but I could have become stronger. I didn't want him to take me away, but when he did, I wanted you to follow.
But how the hell were you supposed to know?
How is that even fair?

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT.
I should have never even let myself be move in the first place. I was in the dark, but at least I was there with you. How could I throw that away for him? I thought he would help me to the light, but he only dragged me further and left me there by myself.
I don't blame you for staying where you were. Where I was was just as cold, colder then when I was with him, but somehow even more alone.

But FUCK IT.
What can I do about the past anyway?!
All I ever do is sit and dwell on these things that I still can't accept!
It's been 3 god damn years, and I am still going on about these things like this. What kind of lunatic must I be?

I want to stop. thinking. about this, all. the time. but I just. can't.
Because it's the only event in my life that has ever made me feel like this before.
And nothing happened this time, but I still feel the same!

All the sudden, I'm empty again!
All the sudden, I can't function properly!
only now is when my life really started to matter.
If I fuck up now, I'll be fucked for life. And look at me. Nothing but a fuck up.

Honestly, I don't know how to fix it.
I can stare at him all I want. He's not a fucking time machine. Not that that would really help.
If I could go back, I would stay, and I would still end up in the dark.
I would just blindly reach out, call out, and say to you, hey. I love you. I fucking love you.
And you'd look back for a moment, blank eyes, and not know what to say.
And I wouldn't either, so I'd leave. I'd cut my hand or my wrist or my chest and I would scream until I fell asleep.

But that doesn't matter.
It doesn't change the fact that now.. now I'm nothing.
Just another unmotivated teen in classes that give too much homework at a school full of kids I hate.

I will stare at you all I want. I'll notice the strangest things, like the fact that you straightened your hair today or that you wore glasses yesterday. All the sudden you're wearing colors other than black and red and it's strange to see but not in a bad way.

....and still, after all this, I have homework in every class, a bookshelf to assemble and laundry to do.
I'll lay in bed tonight after accomplishing nothing, and wake up tomorrow morning wishing that I had done something, wishing that I could fix me, wishing, wishing, wishing..