This isn't how I planned

Having a boyfriend (how I loathe the very word) is not what I thought it would be this time around. I had expected that I would feel more sure, more secure and overall just different.

But I don't. I feel the exact same way as I did when I was single, except now I don't have the option to act on any of my strange impulses involving the list (instead of listing my "options" from last semester, this is what I've decided to use). I know that Michael is positively overjoyed. He looks at me as if I'm some kind of perfect creature sent from the heavens. It's horrible to live up to, and I kind of want to do something that could just shatter his vision of me so he can see me as a real person.

I'm not at all over Scott. I don't think I ever will be. I have spent far too long wanting a single thing that could never happen, that I will always stop and wonder what would have been.

I know that if an opportunity arose for me to be with Scott now, I would take it. Even though I have signed a lease to live with Michael and his roommate for next year, even though we would still be a fair distance apart, and even though it would probably end up hurting everyone involved more than it's worth.

I am, for the most part, happy with Michael. But things started out way too fast and now I'm feeling the pressure from that. He isn't putting any pressure on me - but his friends and his floor and my friends and my floor have all assumed that I am 100% sure and committed to this "relationship". I'm not even sure that I can do it.

I have never been in a real relationship, with real feelings. Even in this case, I'm not sure how much I even like him; it's just nice to be wanted for a change. It's nice not to feel alone all the time, and it's nice for someone to hold me when I've had a bad day. It's nice to feel like I'm not the only one who has ever been hurt, who has ever been afraid to take a risk, who has felt left out and jealous when friends are happy and paired off.

Sometimes I feel like Michael is about five seconds away from falling in love with me, and I'm not even completely sure that I can at this point. I don't want to hurt him because he has already been hurt enough by this ordeal. He told me that it killed him to be in the friend zone. He hung around constantly because he wanted to be near me, even if he could only be there as a friend.

It's funny, in a way, how instinctual touch is. His arms come around me without him even thinking about it, and our hands seem to find each other's within a few seconds. He's not yet very good at judging my body language; he can't tell when I can't stand to be touched.

I really hope that this is not a mistake. I haven't told my parents yet because I'm still unsure about this relationship (how I loathe the very word).

On another note, I'm really stressed out with school. University kind of sucks right now.

I have had about five midterms this semester, with another two left to write. The next one is being written tomorrow night at 7h00 pm. Fun. Then I also have two big group assignments due, and two weekly homework assignments that seem fairly impossible. I would say that I can't wait for school to be over, but I haven't found a job yet, and I am thinking that I will need to get at least two.

Also, next year, I need to take about 11 required courses. One of my semesters, I will have to take 6 courses. Again. I really want to take a fifth year, but that's not really a financially viable option for me at this time.

Ugh.

I'm so sick of this drama.