3 - 24 - 2011

This is going to be so incredibly conceited and narcissistic and I apologize in advance, but I need to get this out somewhere.

I don't know why I need approval from the opposite sex to feel good about myself. Countless girls can tell me that they're jealous of me or whatever and that I'm lucky to have what I have, and I know that and I'm trying to come to terms with what I have, and I'm fucking LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I used to be in terms of self-esteem, but at the end of the day, I just feel so unbelievably worthless if I get all made up and feel okay about how I look and everything, just to come back home and sit in a cold room, alone.
Like last week. When we were in San Diego. I was wearing my favorite outfit and we were downtown and it was such a lovely day, and there was this fucking gorgeous twenty-something dude I could tell kept staring at me and I just sort of smiled and I know how this sounds and I feel ridiculous typing it out BUT I HAPPENED I SWEAR EVEN MY FRIENDS NOTICED and yet I can get catcalled and hit on and smiled at, but I'm still stuck here, just as alone as I was before I went through this miraculous "transformation" that everyone's so jealous of.
I do like the attention after being overlooked for so long and it's nice to be noticed, but I'd just like... I'd just like something more for once.
And I'm such a hypocrite for saying in my last journal that I'm not ready to date or anything, but I don't really know what I want anymore. I'd like someone to step in and just make me happy at the end of the day. And if I can't find a someone to do that, I'm going to rely on the same things I always have: movies, books, and celebrities I can't have. It's miserable and pointless, but I need something to keep me going. I need some source of inspiration in my life, and this is a perfectly good outlet to do that for me. It's not the healthiest but I don't really care anymore.