Family; Gotta love them even when you feel like you hate them.

Have you ever been made to feel totally inadequate? By your own family?
Thing is, with my family i dont even think they realise they're doing it..

Pretty much all my life i've been compared to my older brother, my two cousins and i hate it, because i always feel no matter what i do, its never right or never good enough.

I remember once when i was like 12 or 13 i got given a certificate from school praising me for something i did really well, i think it was for getting the highest grade in english in my class, and my nan was all like Oh Well done. then my aunt comes in with my cousin, who's less than a year younger than me, and announces that Molly, my cousin, got a certificate and a cup thing for doing something really good, and my nan imediately was all over her saying Oh my gosh, well done Molly, im so proud of you, and i was immediately pushed to the sidelines and forgotten about, like always when my aunt and cousins are around. Worst thing was, that im pretty sure that my cousin gave me that really smug look that said im better than you. And from this it probably seems like i hate my cousin and that we dont get along but its the complete opposite, i get along with her really well, i just hate being compared to her and feeling like im never good enough.

Im never good enough at school either it seems, i never seem to get the grades that will please anyone, recently when i sat my exams i got two C's for spanish and i was really happy with it because i'd tried so hard and i found it difficult yet i still managed to get a really good grade but when i came home all i got was an Oh good. And then no one said anything about it. A few days later at dinner my nan brought up the fact that Molly had gotten an A and an A* in science. Talk about rubbing salt into the wounds.

And today, today was the whole reason that i finally snapped and needed to vent, thats where this journal comes into play.

Today my nan and grandad took me to the shops to look at the clothes in the sale for when i go on holiday, and for me to buy my bag that my aunt gave me money for for my birthday, which i didnt get in the end... But i was looking at some clothes and there was some really nice stuff, so i picked it up to try on, and when i got to the changing rooms they either didnt fit or made me look like a sack of potoatoes.. what makes me feel like shit is the fact that when i go on holiday my two cousins Molly and Phoebe are coming and they're both tall and super skinny, and im short and not at all skinny, and when i put these clothes on all i could do is compare myself to them and how i know im going to look standing next to them in spain in may. And all i wanted to was burst into tears in the middle of the shop but i couldnt.

So i got home and all ive been doing is crying.

Now i know i must seem totally ridiculous crying and working myself into a state all because of some clothes, but its just the fact that i've been compared to others for so long that now ive started to do it myself, and its pushed me to the point where i honestly dont like anything about myself. im short, not skinny, have big feet, im not good at anything, im not athletic or girly like Molly or Phoebe, im not super inteligent... i try but never seem to reach peoples expectations of me, and i hate that i've been pushed to feel like this.

Im sorry if you've had to read this and now your thinking what a pathetic girl, but i just needed to vent to people who cant physically laugh back in my face.