3.26.2011

Hi, how you doing?
So, today I probably had one of the most stressful days in a long time and I just feel like writing it down.

Let me give you some background knowledge on myself. Well, I only have four true best friends. Their names are Hayley, Jackie, Sam, and Jade and they're probably the only people I hangout with outside of school. I don't really trust anyone anymore, I know I sound dramatic and like I'm looking for attention, but I have my reasons. The only person outside of my family that I trust is Jackie. She's the only one I know won't talk about me behind my back and I don't have to worry about getting into a fight with her.

Anyway, this relates to what I just said I promise, Jade and I got into a fight. It literally was over nothing. There was NO reason why we were going at it. Eventually we said sorry and then things were cool between us. Then my twin sister, Amanda, called me and told me that my two best friends, Sam and Jade, were planning to basically drop me as a friend and that they thought I was "so annoying" and that they were telling other girls not to be my friend.

So I called Jade knowing she was with Sam and I told them everything what Amanda told me. They were both quiet so I thought it was true; I got off the phone with them and called Amanda back. She gave me other things and I basically went back and forth from being on the phone with Sam and Jade to with Amanda. Luckily, they weren't plotting to drop me as a friend they were just saying that and other stupid shit out of spite.

I don't think I've cried this much today in a while, I know sounding dramatic and like I'm looking for attention again sorry. But Sam and Jade and I worked things out and I was sitting on my computer looking at this website where it had a lot of girls complaining about their boy problems, school problems, family problems, and friend problems. I realized that no matter what happens that best friends will work things out with you and come clean about everything because they know it's better than hiding it from you and it hurts a lot less finding out from them then from someone else.

After everything happened I thought to myself "Wow, I guess I can't really trust anyone." even though we worked everything out. I felt I guess in a way, betrayed. But then I read this quote : "Pushing yourself away from people and denying yourself love and trusting others doesn't make you strong. If anything it makes you weaker because you're doing it out of fear."

So I have come to this conclusion that I'm not going to be scared anymore about trusting people. I'm going to be a fearless bastard to do whatever the hell I want. Things aren't just going to happen; I have to go out and make them happen. And most importantly who gives a fuck what others think? Corny, I know, but it's true. You can't just sit around waiting to be happy or waiting for someone to make you happy. You are the only one who can make you happy. <3