Views of the perpetual Advice giver..

I'm a college student. I'm a dancer. I'm a best friend. I'm an advice giver. And I never seem to be enough..

As a freshman, I've been slowly adjusting to life in a dorm, the freedom of not having my parents breathing down my neck, the reality of living in this community of my school. But the fact is that my parents were never overbearing. They trusted me. They looked to me as the responsible, trustworthy daughter. So unlike the troublesome know-it-all son who came before me.

Why do I resent the trust they have for me?

Perhaps its because everything they thought I was, every reason they had to trust me, made it that much more difficult to continue to be that way. I wanted, more than anything, to be that rebellious teenager. The one who goes out and acts like the cliche rebel looking to defy her parents. I wanted that so badly. But as a people pleaser.. I couldn't do that.

But they thought too much of me. As if being good was easy. I'm convinced it's the hardest thing I could ever do.

As a dancer? I'm nothing fabulous- I'll be the first one to admit that. I'm alright, but I know that my technique leaves much to be desired. My newly acquired college best friend? Tall, gorgeous, legs for days. And a dancer everyone remembers. When I watch her, I find flaws in every dance move she makes, but no one else seems to notice. She's loved by everyone and she knows it. It's hard to be her best friend.

She doesn't drink. She really doesn't like drunk people. She wants to go to parties, but then wants to leave fifteen minutes after we get there because she won't allow herself to have a good time.

Normally, I don't drink either. But I never came to college with the intention of not drinking. I wanted to drink and party and have a typical college experience. How did I manage to find the only group of friends on campus who don't drink? Really? Why does that happen?

They all seem to come with their own drama though. And it lands on my shoulders because I'm always here to listen. I guess that's my own fault because I'm too accommodating. I let people believe that I will always be here to talk to. My advice is good. Really good. I help a lot of people. But who's here to help me?

For once, I want to talk about me. About my problems and this weight that is pressing down on my chest. And even now, writing that, I feel selfish for it. I keep it locked away because I don't want to "burden" people. But maybe I should. They burden me. Shouldn't that be reciprocated at least a little bit?

I don't know how much more of it I can handle because it really is suffocating me. I tell a lot of people to make decisions for themselves- to do what makes them happy and stop worrying about what makes others happy. But I don't know that they understand that while I give this advice, I am being the worlds biggest hypocrite. I don't follow that at all. I don't want to inconvienence other people. So I go with what they want. Plain and simple.

Usually, that means a shitty outcome for me. I've come to accept it, but should I? Should I just sit back and let so many people love my best friend and tell her how fabulous/gorgeous/amazing/spectacular/breathtaking/etc she is? While they look right past me, not seeing me at all- or better yet sneer in my direction because I'm different? Should I let them look at my dancing with disapproving eyes?

But what else can I do about it? I've lost any notion of who I am. I thought I found myself here in college, but I'm realizing.. even as I write this, that I have no idea who I am. Why is there this huge hole in me right now? This is not okay...

I don't really expect anyone to have read this.. but if you actually have, let me know? Maybe give me some advice? I really would appreciate it so so much. Like.. you have no idea..