The Sick Way I Think

I think about it every day, every moment.

You must know, I am not a weak girl, just a weakened mind.
I can hardly breathe these days and I hate that. I wish she were dead everyday- horrible I know. Does this mean I need help? I don't know. I just have this on-going need to hurt someone. In my attempt to shush this yelling emotion I hurt everyone around me- and enjoy it when I can as if getting justice. I'm sick and I know it, but I can't stop laughing, crying, and screaming all at once. This is all metaphorically met to what really goes on, mind you. I do not cry and I do not scream, but laugh I still do though nothig is funny. Because I know that if I stop for a moment to use my voice other than to mock persons of all sorts I will completely stop forever. There is a fine line I draw up between me and the world. I see the mistakes, jealousy, desires, and insecurities to which people hug to keep subconsciously. It clings to me like a horrible odor. I do not want it, so I wash myself clean. But sometimes I dive right back, wanting to be everything that fills the air, wanting to be what everyone accepts. But the thing is that I myself cannot be accepted. I am too stubborn and too devoted to things I wish to have but struggle to reach.

And who do I wish to hurt? I wish this upon everyone who ever acted to understand and play along with my impossible world. They shouldn’t come near or pretend to like it, because they don’t. Everyone wants to be accepted. There is a fantasy for those people- the life they live around me, and the life they desire. In the end they will leave me and I am left broken, still wanting to cling to the thought of an understanding companion. I hate Her- Her, the symbol of all who flee from me. She is who seeks out a better life will using me for a charity home. And now here I am, sitting in my petty thoughts of hurting someone other than me. I will never go there though, but I humor myself in thinking I will. Nothing on Earth would lead me away from my fantasies of a new life one day I will lead for myself. I will not do the world a pleasure by taking my own life or another- but will slap it in the face and will truly scream with joy. I will rub in that I did not fall, and I will not do anything that is expected of me by neither God nor the people. I am a woman’s rights fanatic and a blood-thirsty human being with the temper of one in a mental institute, but I will learn to love what I’ve got and accept what I cannot have. I will live on to mock all who try to run my life or force me to an acceptable girl.
I’m crazy and I know it, but guess what- I don’t really give a damn.