I'm not sorry. I wish I was...but I'm not.

I feel like I am falling.
Constantly.
Like I am falling into a bottomless hole and forever falling, never landing.
And I just feel like locking myself in my room and not coming out for a week.I can't stand to walk down the halls at school anymore because I feel like everyone is watching me and thinking the same thing, wondering what I am doing and what I am going to do next.

And even if they aren't looking at me, It feels like they are.
And then there are the people who I have lost. I see them Everywhere. and I know they know I am there too. And its hard not to smile, or say hello, because we're not friends, and we don't talk.

And that's hard for me. It's difficult for my mind to wrap its self around the idea that "They probably hate me." or "They didn't know me well enough, so I know they don't care." and I cannot think that, because it hurts me. And I never in my life thought I would feel this way or think this way, and now...? I cannot help but think it.

I try to push it away, and the more I do, the more it builds up, and the more its pushes it self to breaking out, and I'm not sure I will be able to handle myself when it does, and I don't know what will happen when I do.

I feel like everything I do is just bad, and half of what it really could be, and that I am pushing everyone away, just so they wont have to deal with me and won't have to be put into the situation of knowing what is going through my mind. And I feel bad for it, but it makes sense in my mind that if I push them away they won't have to deal with me or my problems and they can move on with there life. But then there is the problem of losing all my friends...and that would crush me even more in to what state I am going in to.

I cannot cry, and I will not. tears won't make me feel better about this. I am not completely sure if I know what will....but I don't know anything at this point...at this point I am on "auto pilot" and I am just following the same path everyday.

?