Lost Yet Searching?

Readers Notice: I use this journal to put my thoughts to words. That is all this is...

So, I think this time i'll have to talk about the one thing, or person that has been on my mind for the past few days, hell weeks. I consider her a blissful gift, simple benevolence, and nothing, but what I want. I have a problem were I have to figure everything out about one thing. It becomes an obsession till I have completed it. I do not have to master it, just complete it to a certain extent. She has become one of those things, yet I can't figure her out at all. There is that layer to her I want to know about, I want to figure out. I see it emerge sometimes for just a brief moment, but just as I realize it was there, it has vanished. She has the voice of an angel. It can make me smile no matter what she's saying. The small things she does, or says are an eighth wonder of the world for me. I say all this, yet the truth? I've never meet this girl. What a cruel piece of shit the internet is. I've known her for years, through the thick, and thin. Yet, I know I've never been more than the guy on the internet for her, or so I believe. Her opinion would really matter in something like this, but even thinking about asking her these things makes me insecure. For all I know I am just an online play thing for her, but I think i'd be fine with that. I'd rather have my moment of pure bliss, than never experiencing it at all. I plan on moving where she is, though not just for her. The general location is somewhere I have always wanted to live. We didn't just randomly meet on some random website. when we finally did start 'talking', yeah. We dated, if you want to call it that. She went through some very rough patches in her life, and i wasn't there for her, or couldn't be there for her due to the distant. That was when a friend of her's was there for her. I can't hate him, but then again jealousy kicks my reasonings ass, and shows through sometimes. they dated, and he was to her what I always wanted to be. The person there for her. He was the one that comforted her in her time of need. I couldn't. When I finally did talk to her again a few months later I learn that her, and that guy had dated. She cared for him. I don't know if anyone has ever heard of a song called Pretty Girl by Sugarcult. But it is a song that I put to her way back when we first started talking. When I told her of it she cried over it. I'm sure we know the cry i'm talking about. Though, I found out she saw a different meaning in that song. One between her, and that guy. Whereas I saw something different. What I depicted it as a girl who had been hurt by love a lot in the past, yet when a guy that was genuine came she wasn't sure if she could trust him due to the past. I'm sure she saw the other guy in this. Not me. It was when I realized, or my pessimistic mind realized...

So, I think i'm the guy that things never work out for. Education, career, love, everything. I would be fine with that all if only. If only I wasn't someone who had to win. I have the desire to always get what I want, and having an attitude like that never helps anything at all with bad luck around. Though. With her i'm going to go through with it smiling all the way. Even if there is a slight chance with her, I should take it. As I said before. ' I'd rather have my moment of pure bliss, than never experiencing it at all.'

Is it okay to talk about yourself to people? People never ask about me, they never want to learn about me, or even remotely get to know me. Unless I tell them something about me, they never know. It's been that way my whole life. It's as if people just don't give a damn, and I am not over exaggerating this. I really just sat here for a good five minutes trying to think of times people have asked about something in my life, and I come up with only twice in the last few years. My mother, and a random old friend. I know i'm an ugly person, people, and I know I may not be the most interesting person, but damn. Learn to actually give a damn. Everyone I meet I ask them how they are doing, what they've been up to. They say nothing, I make them tell me something, and I work from there. It's not that damn hard. It makes a person like me, who is secretly self-centered, yet is depressed, and down become a real asshole. It makes me look like i'm forcing my life on to people, and I don't want to be that person, so I turn into that quiet guy that says nothing. Yeah. If any of my friends ever read this stuff, you realize it.

So, randomly back to that girl, well. I guess girls in general with my life. All my life for as far back as I can remember starting to like girls I was always that little unlucky bastard that somehow got close with the girls he liked easily, actually too close. I was their friend, and that was all. Not a possible boyfriend. Simply a friend. This didn't just happen once, or twice. From third grade when I stared dating, till... Hell I don't know. I don't even try to get with girls anymore. It's become just a useless place in my life. But I've always been the friend to them. My whole life, watching the girls I liked, date guys, then be dumped. Date a guy again, they think they love him! And your hopes are crushed, then they get dumped, and you have to pick up the pieces, yet that's all your there for. To put that girl back together, so she can go out there, and do the same shit again. Nowadays I just don't flirt at all. And when I do think about flirting something happens. Like, lets say my friend fucking the girl I wants actually thinking about trying to get with. Oh yeah. Tell my friend once that I might start talking to a girl, and he goes and fucks her. Not date, simply fucks once, and then I see a dramatic change in how she talks to me. Then he tells me this shit. I see my guy friends, and my girl friends just fuck the opposite sex over in relationships, over, and over again. What the hell is the point for you people? Do you get some sort of enjoyment out of fucking people over? And if you think you're someone who doesn't do that, or hasn't ever done that. Shut up. If you are a guy, and you have ever broke up with a girl for another girl, you have fucked someone over. If you a girl, and you started dating right after you broke up with a guy. You fucked him over. Those may seem like simple examples, but you know how you've felt when you broke up with someone, and you saw them with someone else, or even heard rumors of it. That anger, sadness, remorse, whatever. So, onto the girl I currently like/care for. She is dating someone else, and I have somewhat become that guy friend for her, which really makes me upset. She tells me all her problems while she is dating another guy. Not the other guy, another guy. Yet she talks about how she isn't sure which of those two she should chose. It drives me insane when she does it, yet I can't help but give her the best choice, most of the time what I tell her doesn't even help me. I told her that she should just get with the other guy again because she seems to care for him the most. And damn I hope she never reads this. She's already someone that likes to realize things, and avoid them without ever telling you. She will bottle things up, and I hate it when she does. I want her to tell me everything, and if she ever read this she wouldn't. Hell. Here I was considering telling her about my Mibba account. Should I? Hmm...

So... I guess to round up my thoughts of the... entry? I'll say that. I love this girl, and I hope things turn out just like I want them with her. She could be my everything. I want her to be mine. Though. I'll still weigh out the best for her. Hopefully the best for her is with me. ;3