Nope, I haven't died believe it or not. Just haven't been one for writing journals lately, or rather, in the last three-ish months... I'd like to think that's a good thing, for usually when I write journals at all, it's whining or something really good that I feel the need to share with the world. Either way, I guess the last three months have just held a general content feel about them.
As a quick update, I have one happy announcement, which is that I, Mibba, now have a boyfriend. I'm not really good at these whole relationship ordeals, but we'll see how it goes. He makes me happy, and is probably part of the reason the past three months haven't been worthy to whine about. Hell, he deserves a medal for putting up with me to be honest. But I'm happy, and right now, that's all that matters up in my mind.
However, I'm still the same old melodramatic spaz I've always been. Naturally, I have these "Rachel Freak-Outs" so my friend calls them. I just sort of had a big one last week that resulted in crying myself to sleep and waking up with probably the worst migraine ever.
One thing I was thinking really hard about, which kind of started it all, was how badly I really missed a friend of mine. Or, someone who used to be my best friend, rather. He came up a lot more frequently last year, when I was still freaking out about how we abruptly stopped talking. For a while, I just sort of got over it and accepted it, except this person is very good friends with my boyfriend. So, my boyfriend brought it up that he wasn't going to go to prom, and we were trying to come up with ways to convince him to go. All that talk about him really made me miss him. So, I started ranting and freaking out about how my boyfriend needs to sort of hook us up into hanging out again because it's been too long. But, before long, I just started listing off every little thing that was bothering me.
We got talking about school, and how I am a directionless soul who has no idea what she wants to do with her life. Besides that, I don't have the money to make a few wrong turns in college before deciding on a major. I have VIRTUALLY no college money. None. I have to rely on scholarships alone, which I don't think I'm good enough to get, but my boyfriend's been trying to convince me otherwise. I started crying at this point about how I didn't think I was smart enough to go to med school, more or less make it through the 8+ years to become some sort of doctor I haven't even decided on yet.
This turned into how I think I'm going to fail my AP exam just because I honestly don't have enough mental power to CARE anymore. He's convinced that after all the time and work I put into that class, it'd be impossible for me NOT to pass. I hope he's right. I just don't want to think about any of it anymore.
And then it went to religion. Mibba, I don't take kindly to the idea of religion. In all honesty, I have no idea what I believe in. I'd like to believe in something because otherwise there's sort of an emptiness that I feel like I'm missing out on some great thing. But at the same time, I just can't find enough evidence to convince me. I'll probably go to Hell for saying that, but is that even possible if I'm not sure if I believe in it? The uncertainty kills me. Then there's my boyfriend's family: his mother teaches a Christian Formation class at church, which he is a part of. Just in their house, there are numerous pictures of Jesus Christ and angels, and numerous other biblical themes. And here am I. I feel like I'm breaking some sort of unspoken rule whenever I'm over there.
I guess I'm just sort of stressed, and mentally unstable because of it. I feel sort of like I'm trapped in my own mind because I spend all my time thinking and weighing out possibilities instead of trying to change things and act. It's an upsetting thought, but I don't really know how to change it. It is what it is. I've always over-analyzed everything, why should it bother me now?
I am very much alive, Mibba.
April 5th, 2011 at 04:53am