Dear Gender Identity Disorder,

Hi. I don't know where to start with you but I do know where it's going to end. We've been together for as long as I can remember but I only accepted you into my life three, four years ago. It took me a long time to pinpoint you because I was down-and-out for a long time. It's because of you that I have incredible social anxiety, that I'm an introvert, that I'm depressed most of the time and that I have wicked OCD. You're the cause of the panic attacks and the moments where life isn't worth living anymore. Because of you I haven’t been able to live the life I so desperately wish I could have. I've waited for years for my body to form into what it should have been because of what you’ve been drilling into me for years without end.

Because of you I know what it’s like to feel completely hopeless. Because of you I know what it’s like to feel the pain of hundreds of thousands of tiny paper cuts searing my skin whenever someone says “she.” I know what it’s like to feel tiny matches burning my skin when someone says “her.” I know what it’s like to feel daggers stabbing through my back when someone says “daughter.” I know what it’s like to feel someone rip my lungs out and laugh as they say my birthname and not my chosen name.

With you always looming over my shoulder I have been castrated. I have been cast out from society as a leper. I never knew what it was like to feel truly alone until you showed up on my doorstep one day and told me what life was going to be like. I have seen people beaten and broken because you took hold of their head as well. You have ruined lives, you have caused people to not trust me, not trust them. I have no trust, no lasting relationships because I have to explain myself to every person I meet. You have caused deaths because no one understands you the way I do, the way we who suffer because of you do. You have truly made me cut myself from those I love and replaced the heart in my chest with a deepening void full of self loathing and hatred for all of humanity for they do not understand. I have to endure the stares of others, the hatred of thousands simply for trying to be happy. You have caused me endless pain.

Despite all of that you have given me so much more than the pain, you have given me a new life and that I don’t know whether to thank you for or hate you for.

Through you I’ve met some genuine people who still have hope in their lives for transitioning. Through you I have seen human compassion and caring. Through you I have come together to share my experience with people who can understand and has given me something all humans yearn for: community. Through you I have faced myself and have looked you in the eyes and accepted you in my life. Through you I have the chance to be someone else and throw the old life away. Through you I have seen people of different backgrounds, creeds and colours, who share the same dysphoria, come together to celebrate us. You make me feel selfish, but aren’t we all? You have given me the insight into two lives, into two genders, into the prejudice facing both sides. You have given me a unique view into human hearts and minds, and for this I am greateful.

Most of all, you have given me pride in who I am.

Thank you or hate you, I still don’t know which yet.