insomnia

So, today was a tough day for me.....Today is what would have been Karley's due date.....But it wasn't meant to be. I keep telling myself that, hoping someday that it will sink in and maybe hurt a little less. Till then, I have no choice but to keep on keepin on. I had the creepy nightmare again last night. I'm sure I will again tonight too, and so here I am fighting sleep, because I dread that damn nightmare. I wake up crying, and scared......

I have been sober for just over 2 years now, and times like this make that so hard. The triggers are everywhere. Watching t.v. the other night, I watched a man snort a line of cocaine......Man oh man, I was jonesing......I could taste it, feel it burning its way down my throat......And tonight, I'm very very grateful that I DONT know where to find it......It would numb me, which is what I want right now. Instant gratification. I get high. And then what? I know that drugs dont make my problems go away.........But, damn, sometimes I DO want to escape reality. I'm still learning. I'm still sober. I know that the minute I take that first drink, take a drag of a joint, or snort something,,,,,,,,,then it's only a matter of time before I'm back to jails institutions and death. And having traveled that road before, I know that I might not make it back. Considering my past, I do consider myself lucky to be alive today.