slut.

i used to be a slut. whore. easy.

i am a feminist. i do not believe in slut shaming. i can have sex with who i want, when i want, wearing what i want, and no one else should pass judgement. should.

but he does. he hates it. he thinks that to me, us making love is of lesser importance to me than it is to him. and/or he gets worried that i'll compare. i never would. but he won't listen. i never claimed to be classy. or to have never had a drink in my life. or to have only had sex with someone i loved at the time. or to be a virgin. everyone knew who i was, what i did. it was hardly a secret. he knew this before he told me he wanted to be with me.

i wish i had not loved the boy who said that he wanted to. i wish i hadn't. i wish i wish. but i can't take it back. but i think i always knew i wouldn't lose my virginity on my wedding night. it never occurred to me. but i wish i hadn't been easy.

i felt empty. i lived with my father at the time, and he was abusive. i wanted someone to love me. or want me. or think i wasn't bad looking enough that they wouldn't. this family that carries me to such great lengths to open my legs up to anyone who'll have me, it runs in the family, i come by it honestly, do what you want, who knows, it might fill me up.

i don't think he judges me. i think he holds me in higher esteem than i held myself. i will always punish myself for these mistakes, with the scars up my arm. maybe i think it's absolution.
April 10th, 2011 at 09:15pm