Little Black Cloud

Ever since yesterday evening, I've felt like I've had a black cloud following me. I had eaten pizza at my mom's earlier that afternoon and had brought the leftovers home for my boyfriend(he has an addiction to pizza). Usually when he gets home from work, he'll want to try to start deciding what we'll have for dinner. It normally takes us hours to figure something out because he's indecisive as hell. So when he comes home, I ask him if he has any ideas for dinner, because I don't like thinking about food on a full stomach. He says no, and I tell him about the pizza. He eats a slice or two and all is well.

Later I decided I wanted to go out for some frozen yogurt as an excuse to get out of the house(I have been out of work for four months now). He doesn't respond. He begins playing Bad Company 2, while I'm watching him, patiently waiting for a response. After an hour, I hop on my laptop, thinking it was a lost cause, and start surfing the net. He then says "Are we going or not?" I replied saying I was waiting on him. He just puts his shoes on and walks out the door to his car, and I follow. He gets in his car and locks the doors, playing with me, pretending to drive off. I manage to get in the car, and he says "I'm not going anywhere." To this is respond with "Well let's just go somewhere then." He then says "I just came out here to get away from you." I'll admit, I took it too seriously. I go back to the house, only to find the door locked and he has the key. I was trying to hold back tears(damned female hormones) but he managed to notice I was upset. He told me he was sorry for saying it and that he was just joking.

Me, being upset and hating being upset around people, went to the bathroom and locked the door like an immature child. He knocked on the door, trying to get in, and I eventually unlocked the door. He tried to console me, but I couldn't stop crying, and didn't know why. I knew he was joking but still kept crying. (Also, I'd like to point out that when I get really upset, I can't talk. I don't know why, I just freeze up. This also made the situation a tad worse.) I eventually came out of the bathroom and settled myself on the bed. He continues to play his game, giving me some space. He comes back and asks me what's wrong. I start crying again, and was so upset to the point I couldn't tell him. He hangs his head and sighs, before kissing my forehead and resuming his game. I just roll over and go to sleep.

After that episode, I became sad because he apologized for something that wasn't his fault, just so I would feel better. I felt very undeserving of his attention and time, and wondered why he even bothers to stick around.

This morning, after he left for work, I noticed he had closed his AIM chat with his friend he was playing Bad Company 2 with. He very rarely closes his AIM chats. This friend also happens to be a friend of mine as well. I looked up the AIM chat and there was only four lines, the last one written by him, saying "A whole night wasted on her bullshit." (I know its a bad idea to do that and a violation of trust, and obviously I feel like total shit.)

I've been feeling like something bad is going to happen and that this event is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe its just paranoia, but I can't shake it, no matter how hard I try.