Logic & Beliefs

Logic says you shouldn't believe in something until there is proof it exists. This is good advice. But what is the proof needed? Is it the same for everyone, or different? All things considered, I feel the burden of proof is different as dependent on whom you speak to. There are things I want to believe in. It would be so much easier, life in general, if I could put logic aside and just blindly believe what has not met the burden of proof for me. Many which have been shattered by logic's cold proof against their likelihood.

But, I can't. I just...can't. Because, no matter how much I would like for it to be so, or how much easier it would be to put cool logic and burdens of proof aside, I will always know the truth. I will always know the truth deep down. I will know that I am lying to myself and those around me. And for what? For their approval? For their pride in me? For their tender sensibilities?

To hide myself even this much is to lock them out for fear that if they knew and understood the whole truth of it that there would be no reason to lock them out. Because, they would not want in any longer.

There are many forms of abandonment. Perhaps I have more issues than I once thought. Not that that thought scares me. We all have issues. Different issues for different reasons for different people. Its only scary if you don't notice them, or live in denial and refuse to confront them and do whatever's necessary to help yourself. Even if that includes bringing in outside help.

The need to belong with those around you is normal. Everyone has it. People usually just conform as a form of dealing with it (not that that is actually dealing with it). Usually, because they've seen first-hand what happens to people whom can't.

I'm a fence-sitter, I like to say. I can "pass" and let people think of me what they prefer to think. That I am just another white sheep in the herd. If questioned, I'm good at vaguery. And people want to believe me. So, no one goes looking too hard for the holes littering my words. And in this there is a sort of tenuous acceptance that I still belong. Perhaps a bit off-white, but still white nonetheless. For now. Just for now.