No love.

I rant about the same thing all the time.
I stress about the same things all the time.
I cry about the same goddamn things all the time.

And frankly, it pisses me the hell off.
But I can't stop.
Watch, I'm about to do it again.

Recent dilemma.

I never thought that something I've stressed over for such a long time, could make me feel so discombobulated in one strike.
Let me tell you what the hell that means.
In depth.

Jacob, you remember him right? Well he's been my best friend for about three years. And has always been more admired than me.
Anyway, Jacob recently texted me, saying he just accepted to be (We'll call him Drew) Drew's boyfriend once again.
You see, Drew was Jacob's first boyfriend. They went out maybe 8 months ago. they had a messy break up. Which involved Drew to become a complete asshole to him and I. Drew and I were becoming friends while they were going out. So it hurt me when he just randomly became an asshole. That just showed me he was the kind of guy who just tolerated their boyfriend/girlfriend's friends. And that pissed me off.

There's the back story, now. Let me tell you what Jacob and I had said to each other countless times as soon as he broke up with his most recent ex-boyfriend Robby.
Jacob: "I Promise to wait until You get a boyfriend to go and get myself another one."
Me: "Awesome. Let's shake on it"
And we shook hands.
Now, I know this may seem unreasonable.
"Why would you accept that? You shouldn't ask him to pause his love life because you don't have one. It's not in his control. He can't help who likes him. " Blah Blah Blah, and all that bullshit.
The only reason I accepted was because he knows how it makes me feel.
Because he wants me to be involved.
He wants me to know everything.
And I do. But it hurts.
It bothers me.

Want to know why it bothers me
Because Miss Jaisha hasn't ever had a real boyfriend.
This makes Jaisha feel ugly.
This makes Jaisha feel unapproachable.
This makes Jaisha feel like no one likes her.
Like no one could ever like her.

Now, I don't care when I'm called pretty.
Why?
Because the only people who ever, ever say that to me are my family and Jacob.
None of that counts, but they can't seem to understand that.

All I've wanted in times like these was to have someone who likes me, in that way.
I feel like such a desperate mess.
And that's not a good feeling.
Some or even most know what this feels like, and maybe they don't.

But all I'm saying is,
The feeling it would give me, the confidence, the elation I would have if someone said to me, someone who isn't my friend, or family, said to me;
"You know, you're really pretty, right?"

That's all I want right now.
I can't even bear to ask for more.
It's ridiculous how much it hurt, when Jacob told me that. It was only one sentence.
Once sentence made my heart hurt, race.
Made my hands convulse.
Made me tear up.

I'm a hot mess.

And this is a really bad time for me to run out of cigarettes.

-_-