A Nice Little Asshole Moment

That one really had some sting to it – I saw it in her eyes. They lost some of the light and little pools of moisture started to form around the bottom rims. Why am I enjoying this? I loved her. I love her. She was my best friend. Not so long ago I just wanted to see her smile, but right now all I want her to know is just how little she means to me; whether I’m conveying the truth or not is still up for debate.

At the sight of her tears my insides swell with joy. I feel like one of those classic villains: my sneering, twisted face becoming illuminated by a sudden flash of lightening. She brought this on herself, really. I’m only re-gifting when you really think about it. I mean she deserves to know exactly how I felt. How small and throw away I felt to her – she needs to know she is a thousand times more that to me.

She mentions an old inside joke and we laugh together. For a moment it’s like old times and the nerves in my soul ache. I underhandedly cut down the meager, confused life she’s fell into by mentioning the big opportunities I’ve worked my ass off to come by. She seems smaller. Actually smaller. I feel like a rock, a towering giant over her and I hope she realizes that.

When did I turn into this? Who the fuck am I? She starts talking about a movie she’s seen and I smile and nod along, but really the only thing in my head is someone that looks a lot like me, but completely foreign. They’re smiling and devious with big innocent doe eyes and rosy cheeks. Is that person still in this polluted bag of bones I’m currently sitting in?

Suddenly all I want to do is hug her and tell her I’m sorry. She was just as confused as I was back then and I shouldn’t hold it against her. I want to make it all better and just move on. I want to find that little kid again – she was amazing to have around.

Shut up, a little voice demands, stop being a pussy. No one respects a pussy. She deserves everything you’re doing and you know it. This makes you better. You’ll tell everyone about how you made her cry and that’ll make you stronger. You’re going to be better in the end.

I don’t think I like myself much anymore.