Shit, I hate that sick pit feeling in my stomach.

Hey everyone or anyone who cares to listen to my ramblings.

I know I haven't really written on this thing for a while and I guess I just wanna spill my guts to be honest. I don't really know what to do or what to write really, I guess it'll just kinda be a mess.

I found myself reading this story about a happy couple, they have a kid and then she cheats and leaves, leaving him with the kid.
Why does that feel so strange? I actually don't know what the feeling is, it's so stupid. I can't work it out if it's hurt or what, but it's negative. It's like a disease spreading through my body at the speed of light, cause I feel so sick nothing feels right.

My dad left 2 years ago I guess, I was a kid, 13? Maybe, I'm 17 now but anyways, what I'm saying is, the divorce is still happening now. Three damn years of my life at waste because no one has actually thought maybe Megan has some shit in her head? But then again it's not like I'd tell them anyway, I can't. I'm a mess, I can't think straight half the time but it's ok because as long as my mum thinks I'm ok, then I can do this everyday.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 13. Broke my mums heart. No one came to see me in hospital and my mum dropped me off at the hospital and left me. I've been scared of hospitals since I was a kid so I didn't sleep a wink. My dad didn't come see me. My mum was ashamed and no one knows.

My mum is on some heavy meds cause of my dad. She has really bad depression so every day it's a fight to get her out of bed or to take her meds or to eat. I can't cry or show sadness or anger because I don't want her to get worse. My mum loves me and I know I'm lucky but I miss my old mum, before my dad decided to kill her.

My friends are a strange bunch. They don't really know what's going on in my life. I've probably said more on this. I know all their problems and thats ok, because they need someone to talk to. I don't, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't but when I do, I force it down and force a smile. I'll probably make myself ill.

I'm officially homeless now. My dad won the house in the divorce so our house is going for sale I guess.

I don't know why I even bother typing up all this shit because in the end like always, I just highlight all and hit delete and go on to do other things. It's how I am. I'm a bottler. I prefer to hit the self-destruct button on my own.

I really want to drink so I think I will. It sounds good to me. I've got a little vodka so it's kinda all good.

Thank's for listening to all my shit.