Lying to myself.

So I keep lying to myself all day, well all week really since my break up. I tell myself well I didn't really love him. I don't care about him. If he was so low to delete me from his life like I never existed then I don't care about him at all! When my friends asked If I was okay, Id put on a smile and tell them and myself "Uh yeah? I never expected us to last and I didn't really like him that much" when inside I'm screaming "I'm devastated that he would do this! I thought we would last! I love him!" I feel pathetic really. Especially since I actually depended on him for a little bit. I've been having a lot of family issues and I was in the hospital for two weeks and school was horrible from not being there. And for once in my life, I depended on someone. He made me happy during my darkest hours. And then he left me like we had nothing. I just don't understand sometimes. He claimed he loved me so much but he could delete me without hesitating. I often wonder if he ever really meant those three words. People say if its meant to be then it will happened. Well if we both don't do anything at all and make it happen will it happen by just fate? Even if he deleted me from everything will he remember my number or even my name? Don't I sound immature and silly from this dumb rant? I can't help but to write this all down... in a weird way it makes me happier...it calms me down.