June 23, 2007

Dear (Anonymous),

I don't know why, but lately...things for me have either been plain and lifeless or emotional and violent. I can't really socialize as much as I was able to a few weeks ago, therefore have spent most of my time doing nothing aside the drama with Lori and the authorities, as well as events in which were really her problems. I just happened to be around at the right place and the right time. Course, unfortunately, I have been acting way too self concious. But I have an excuse: I'm a hormonal adolscent going through puberty. It's disgusting and the only treat is the blood you get from inside of you.

Aside that, I'm getting really pissed off at people. I think the only people that I really want to talk to right now are Shara and you. Of course, you know I always want to talk to you. No...it's not an obsession; just like how Shara is not an obsession. My longing to talk to you is simply out of friendship, as well as the imaginations we have both managed to use in order to compose such an interesting story. That story is like my own little fantasy...no, not with you or anything. I mean, the people...the idea...

The story is like the details to my ideal way of settling down. Almost. See, in a way, they have settled down when it comes to legal matters. Emotionally...well, you know what he does. It's crushing her, and because I have put so much feeling into her (though I know I shouldn't have, except you basically have to in order to create the story properly), it also brings pain, lust...well, her feelings into me as well.

And I don't want it to be that way for me forever. I want to be able to accomplish my goal in life; my dream. As I have told you before, saying what it is will only make me not do it...as I have learned in the past. But I know it cannot come to reality if I go on this way...

But quitting now is basically like quitting being myself. I'm not a vegetable on a computer screen. Hell, I'm rarely ever on unless I'm at the library. Explaining will only make this more confusing.

You know what's funny though? Thanks to them, I don't have crushes anymore. I don't get anymore urges to make out with her. I don't get anymore urges to kiss him, if you remember what I wrote to you in that rambling little letter a few days earlier. Honestly, I'm kind of greatful for that. Maybe now I can actually focus more on the other elements of life. I've already nailed down friendship, and my conclusion to that little stitch is this:

Friendship sucks. If you even find one actualy friend, you're lucky as hell. I'm lucky as hell.

Everyone else is meerly an aquaintance or social citizen. Nobody knows how to stay loyal, and thanks to the fucking higher authorities and adults whom raise their children to live like grouchy old men, anybody who tries can't.

So I know what you mean when you say you sometimes don't like your friends. Cause honestly, neither do I.

Much love,
KH