A smoke

I am lying in bed at 1:18 in the morning, fresh from watching the Social Network. As I rub my face, a thought streaks through my mind, "I could use a smoke,"
Forgive me if you are reading this looking for some true value in what I have to say. I truly do not realize the purpose of these keystrokes. I only know that I must write my thought, less they eat my mind from the inside-out.

I could use a smoke.
I find myself saying these words together more and more often lately. They always hold a foreign feel to me. I know that I have made a habit of it, and it has only increased recently. This foreign feel comes from various pieces of my life, coming together to form a puzzle where the pieces don't match up so you just have to smash them together. My parents have told me the evils of smoking. I was raised in a background where committing such an an act would land you nowhere in life. My father has repeatedly told me that upon discovering I had partaken in such an act, it would only get myself removed from my family.

Does this habit of mine truly destroy any character I have built up for myself?
Upon placing smoke into my lungs, does all I have worked for vanished? How I have vowed never to take a life, whether it be man or beast? How every day I try to keep my actions pointed at benefiting others?

Now, bear in mind that I am not proud of my habit, nor am I humiliated by it. It is merely a fact about me. I smoke. I also act, play video games, occasionally speed while driving, climb trees, love animals, swear, watch crappy movies, etc. etc. etc.
I see why people do get stuck up on that fact though. I see why people would look at me differently because I do so. However, before one jumps to judging my character, they must look at exactly why I do it.

Life is shit. Plain and simple. I know that their are many people who's lives are way shittier then mine, and to those people, I apologize if you feel insulted by my statements about my life being shitty. I have a mother who has openly admitted that I am a drunken mistake, and expects me to be okay with this fact. This same mother suffers from depression, and constantly uses this to bring down everyone around her. My father is in love with her, regardless of how poorly she treats the both of us. I have difficulty signing the mother's day cards he sneaks into my room due to these facts. I have several girls in my life, none of which truly have a romantic interest in me, who make the teenage chemicals in my head yell and scream. I have convinced myself I am in love with someone who also has never expressed any romantic interests. All my relatives continuously compare me to my deceased grandfather, subconsciously expecting me to fill in that place that is now empty, even though I am not as similar as they realize. I have a phobia of driving due to one of my closer friends dying in a car accident, which is seriously crippling my chances of ever holding a license. My lack of a license is an item of embarrassment lately, as everyone around me is receiving their's and ridiculing the fact that I don't have one, not realizing the circumstances. One of my closest friends has only given me shit advice lately, mostly fed through her boyfriend, whom hates me for some reason, regardless if I've ever met him or not. I am working a for the school with a job that I hate and am not being paid for, due to bullshit in the education system. A girl I work with and have never and will never have feelings for has expressed great interest for me, and her multiple friends think I am shallow because I have no attraction for her, physically or personality-wise. I am stressed because of low grades, college coming soon, balancing friends, and trying to still live life.

And so that's why I smoke. So that for just a little bit, I don't have to remember that life is full of shit. I get to simply be. very few people realize just how gratifying that is, to just exist. Why does smoking determine my character? I know not the answer, just how I know not why I have written any of this.

Right now though, I don't give a fuck. I feel shitty, and just want to sit here and just exist for a little while. Don't judge me for that. I'm entitled to my wishes.