Sharpen your blades. Prepare for war.

You may think I'm making process, that I'm strong, that I don't let this get to me.
Sadly, deep inside I know you're all wrong. I know that this may come as a shock, to you. Even to myself it does. The fact of the matter is there's no progress, only regression. I seem to be reverting straight back into the person I was when all this began. The scared, frightened little boy who needed his addictions to cope with life, to detach myself from reality, which is somewhat ironic in the long run.
These feelings of hopelessness, constant anxiety, the feeling of being a phantom and that my actions don't really affect the world around me. The reason touch is my favourite sense? Because that way I know that I'm in contact with the world around me, that I am real. It's like an anchor in the bottom of the deep sea of emotional distress my mind seems to be filled with. I believe that the container holding the water is becoming unstable, and that these feelings are leaking into my everyday life. I can no longer bottle it all up until I'm alone.
Again, I have started drinking more in order to numb my mind, in order to attempt to diffuse the bomb ticking away. Yes my mother knows all of this shit now. Does it help? No. As I suspected, it only made things worse. She now simply worries, she questions me all too often, which in turn, reminds me of the problems I try to blank out.
I need help. Help I'm too stubborn to seek. Help I get from one person who means more to me than anyone else ever could. Although, I believe I now need help from some form of professional. Well here we are, I feel nauseous, my mind isn't working as it should. Depression, confusion and every now and again. Complete lack of reality.
This is it. I don't know how much longer I'll last, as much as it pains me to write this, however it probably pains more to read it, I need to get this all off my chest. I'm fighting a battle, one that I can't win on my own. Swords raised, blood will spill. A futile battle shall now take place. Enjoy the show.