My lawyers have informed me to place a disclaimer here stating that this is my own opinion and that any offence is certainly not intentional. Anyway, moving swiftly on ...
I was on Tumblr earlier, when I came across a popular post that has been liked and reblogged quite often. For the most part, I thought that it was really good, and I thought it was going in an inspiring direction. However, the last line, in my opinion, totally ruined it. Here's the post in full:
"It was ironic, really - you want to die because you can’t be bothered to go on living - but then you’re expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops. And if you’ve managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work."
- Marian Keys
OK, may I have just a quick immature moment before I explain? Thank you.
LOLNO. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. WHAT THE - WHAT IS THIS I CAN'T EVEN, NOT SURE IF TROLLING OR JUST STUPID
Right, I'm done. As you can probably tell, I really disagree with this. It's so ... untrue, in my opinion. Those last few lines are just so wrong. I've suffered from severe depression and it's a battle I know I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. I've stared myself in the eye in the mirror and hated myself, I've written out suicide notes, I've harmed myself and starved myself and denied myself sleep because I genuinely thought that I was worth nothing, and that I deserved it. I've hoarded pills and thought about crashing my car into walls or jumping in front of trains. So, I think I have a right to voice this opinion.
And if you've managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over.
No, it's not. In fact, this is the worst possible point. This is what's normally seen as the point of no return; you've gone from thinking about suicide to actively planning it, and this is where it becomes even more serious than it already is. It's gone from an escape fantasy to an escape plan, a reality. By saying that just because you have the energy to act on your suicidal impulses means that the worst is over is, quite frankly, arrogant and stupid. The person drags themself out of bed to go to these places because in their mind, they're thinking, "Just get down to the store. Then you can buy what you need, and it'll all be over. You'll be free. If you just go now, you won't have to stay on this damn planet for much longer."
In my opinion, this is the most terrifying and serious part of being suicidal; admitting that you're going to do it, and forming a plan. It's not the "worst being over".
At that point you might as well just go to work.
Let's paint a scenario, shall we? You're suffering from severe clinical depression. It's an effort just to wake up in the morning, let alone get up, get dressed, feed yourself, leave the damn house. In fact, you might not have even gone to bed, because depression can rob you of the ability to sleep. You might have spent the night watching bad reruns on TV, drinking and hating yourself. You might have spent the night online, trying to find something to make you feel human for a while. You might have lay there, awake, watching the sun rise and hearing the people getting up for their own jobs, and you'll hate yourself. Why can't you be like them? Why can't you be normal?
And oh God, you want to go into work. You want to smile and laugh and be "normal". But you can't, because this disease has robbed you of everything that you once were. You can't stand people bevause you hate them for being happy, or you don't think that you're worthy of being around them. You can't do simple tasks because you're tired, or the depression has taken away your attention span. You can't relate to anyone anymore because the depression has robbed you of your ability to understand human emotions, and feel anything but pain yourself.
So tell me, how the Hell does going to a store to buy implements for your own suicide mean you can spend eight hours in a place you loathe? Seriously? It's two completely different things, and I don't even think I can explain exactly what I'm trying to say.
I'm going to admit that I don't exactly know who the person who said this quote is, and I'm not going to look it up for fear of finding out that she's meant to have suffered from this disease or not. It's probably the most useless quote I've ever read regarding suicide and depression.
I've talked seven people out of killing themselves in the last eighteen months, and let me tell you honestly: this is something I would have never dared say to them. It would have made them feel even more confused, even more useless, even more worthless. It's just ... so flawed.
Urgh.
Off to go and rage and angst into a story,
xx Fionnuala xx
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