My Future Belongs On My Past

Staring blankly on this page…

I suppose to join my family for lunch but since I have taken already my “BRUNCH” (Breakfast and Lunch) I think that my stomach is full the fact that I ate a lot because I woke up so late, another thing is my shittty insomnia is bugging me again. Its summer obviously and I have nothing to do. Probably it’s the most boring summer ever. It’s like I’m missing LIFE. I’m home, but I’m missing everyone. My friends, they’re like the half-part of me. And I just remembered that one month ago was our graduation and the ten-month infinite craze feels like forever! Yeah, internet can be a good distraction and it’s also a way of communicating them but I guess there’s just more to life than that.

I can feel the heat of the sun and I can surely hear the loud voice of my mom calling my younger sister. Another shopping day for them, I suppose to feel like going but I can’t remove my lazy ass on this chair. I just don’t know what to write but I want to write something… Senseless right?

Maybe it’s all about what I thought about myself years ago and how my hopes came true in just a span of 2 years when I wrote them in heart-shaped sheets of papers and hid them in a small jewelry box.. I didn’t even know that they will come true. Okay lemme’ explain this. I was you know kind of arranging my things, sorting them on their proper places on my precious “cabinet.” (I’m packing because I’m going to my new boarding house. COLLEGE!) And you know what? It’s like I just had a time travel on my past since first year high school. There are so many, like bunches of things that have so much memories on it. I have been keeping my friends’ remembrance for years and I’m like whoa! IT’S A LOT. Gifts, cards, letters, even dirt. Hahaha As crazy as that sound it’s true. I’ve been saving an old rose, scratch papers in calculus and algebra, ruined dolls; I don’t know maybe I’m that sentimental.

So yeah, I found that small jewelry box and I remembered that two years ago I was writing my hopes in high school before I graduate. Reading them all and then I realized that it all came true well except the other two which is unpredictable like the “having a long life”… Still I’m so thankful.

Experiences taught me many lessons despite the reality that I’ve been struggling something inside my soul. I wanna burst it all out, but I just can’t. For me that’s a forbidden thing to do. That’s why sometimes I just want to be alone and think the “What Ifs” and the “Do this,” Do that,” “Stop this,” “Go on with that,” “Be good,” “Be bad,” “Please everyone and give them their expectations.” And that’s the hardest thing to do. I’m vain, brat and illogical (sometimes) but I’m so scared of people who have high hopes for me and I don’t want them to looked down on me someday. ..

Wow! That was a lot from a blank page eh? So much for my random thoughts that keep going out from my psyche. Maybe Anne Frank did inspire me. I just feel it but we have so many things in common, trust me. I even have this wild dream that I’m one of her descendant which is way too impossible since she died at the age of 15 on 1945.

I guess I’m being a lunatic again, so I might end this for now.