I Don't know where to run!

Waking up in a new sunshine..

Last night was kind of tiring since my aunt celebrated her birthday and we went home late. So much for the food, talks and other “family things to do.” As usual I always smile at them showing the best well, as what I’ve known they want that from me, honestly speaking I’m not really bragging but for them I am the “brightest,” and “the most knowledgeable” person in whole bunch of my cousins. They didn’t even notice my flaws and in times I feel like I’m locked in bars. I WANT FREEDOM.

Yeah, they’re my family I supposed to feel comfort and love, but I don’t... I feel so alone, I wanna run and escape but still I can’t. With their eyes staring at me, they’re always give me praise and I’ll just sit right there showing the best attitude they expected. I really don’t care about them but I don’t want to disappoint my parents who also expected a lot from me. Hope they realize that I’M NOT GREAT AFTER ALL! I’m just a normal teen who loves to do, try and explore many things. Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in there at all, I miss my friends so much, because I have my comfort zone in them. I can share my thoughts, anger and happiness.

Right now I have this pang of guilt that swallows me. I want everyone to know that behind those smiles, cheerful auras and strong being is little girl, so afraid and full of sorrows and wants to hide in the world she lived in. It’s not easy for suffering alone, I know that some of my aunts and cousins dislike me and I can’t blame them. Yeah they praise me too but I know that there is sarcasm behind it.

From the books you’ve read you’d probably came across with cool grandma and grandpa who’s willing to share their advices and pushes you to what you want. Unfortunately I don’t at this moment. My mother’s deceased parents are my best grandparents and I felt sorry for them to die so early. I know it’s bad to compare but my father’s parents are still alive I suppose to be happy because I have them right now but I don’t like their attitude showing a great favoritism. I know they don’t favored me, neither my sisters. They like my other cousins and they think that they are a lot better than me. Maybe I’m jealous or what? But actually whenever they need a help they call us and the grandchildren they favored don’t even help them.

Life is unfair right? But it’s just how it is. I’m still hoping for the day that I’ll have enough courage to face reality and escape in the world I don’t want to live in.