SO.. no longer holding the V-card

So, my first journal entry. Well the topic for my first entry is far from happy or uplifting, just a forewarning and apology to whoever is reading this. There has been something on my mind, for awhile now, it’s kind of been haunting me. Well, I’m 18 years old and about 8 months ago I lost my virginity with my boyfriend who I had known for about a year, but officially dated for about 2 weeks. And I know that sounds bad, but wait it gets worse, I didn’t love him… at all.

It’s crazy how fast things change. I always thought that I wouldn’t care so much about my first time because it’s going to be uncomfortable and not that fun (from what I’ve heard) and that the last person you sleep with is the one that matters the most. But, now that it’s gone, I realized how important it actually was to me and I can never take it back. It has taken me months to come to admit it. I am just so mad at myself for letting it happen, for giving that to someone I didn’t even love. After awhile I didn’t even like the guy. I think it was a matter of insecurity in myself. Before him I never had a boyfriend and when this guy told me how much he liked me and how beautiful I was, I was sold. I think I liked the idea of being loved by someone rather than actually loving the person. I feel bad for what I did to him, he told me he loved me and cared for me but I never returned the favor. But, there’s also a part of me that hates him.

He was the type of guy that always had a girlfriend, who says I love you after a couple of weeks, who says he would never pressure me but acted on the contrary, who cheats (on ALL gf’s prior to me, but not me because he said I was special and he wanted to change, typical), and who thinks he knows love but in reality has never found it.

After we did the unspeakable, I knew it was wrong and I didn’t love him so I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore. Things became tense, he had anger issues and he was always mad at me for my refusal. One day on the phone he told me “I have my needs” and oh my god I was fuming! I always said that if a guy ever spoke those words to me I would be gone in a second. I told him that and he tried to take it back. I broke up with him a couple weeks later, but I never told him the truth about how I felt. I just told him that I liked him more as a friend and some bullshit. He cried when we broke up and I felt really bad, but a couple of weeks later he had a new girlfriend. He still called me a lot and we still talked as friends, but I only talked to him because I felt bad, I knew he still liked me. I gradually began to ignore him and make stupid excuses as to why I never called or texted him back, he must have thought I was a total bitch, although I was acting a bit bitter. Only because the truth was that I couldn’t look at him, talk to him, or even think about him because it would make me completely and utterly disgusted. I cannot get the thoughts out of my head of what I let him do, whenever the thoughts come up I have to force them out of my head. I hate him so much because he can just go on with his life fucking whoever he pleases (just like he did before me and just like I am sure he did after me) while I’m over here traumatized, thinking I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

The person I am angriest at the most is myself because I know it’s my fault for doing such a stupid thing. And what makes me really go crazy is that I haven’t told anyone that I even lost it. I can’t tell my mom, my friends, or even my sister. My sister and I are really close and we tell each other a lot, but she is always telling me “don’t ever have sex” and “I can’t imagine you having sex that’s so disgusting” making me feel like I’m some ugly, gross person no one would ever want to be with, although she is never reluctant to tell me about her sex life.

I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here, but I think admitting all these things are a step closer to feeling at ease with myself, and maybe eventually forgiving myself. Jesus it felt good to let that out, even if no one reads it, I’m glad I did this. Maybe I’m not the only one who feels this way. So… journal 1 depressing as fuck, but I’m proud of myself.
-AugustRed