Rage

My life is in shambles......And I think I'm mostly to blame. Old wounds have been opened. Fresh pain. Scar tissue that'll always be there, festering.
My ex, who I had an off/on relationship with for more than 10 years, our daughter died. I was pregnant, 6 months, and she died in my belly. I had to delivered a dead baby. Well, my ex, who is going to be 40 in October, has a new girlfriend who is 17. He now lives with her and her family. Recently, she and I messaged each other a bit, and I found out from her that he denied I was ever even pregnant. She told me that he told her I refused to show him my pregnancy test, and that when I did, it said I wasn't pregnant. Also, that I got pregnant on purpose to trap him into marrying me. Now, I am 33 years old. I know by now that doesn't work. So, Friday afternoon, I went into the place where he works, and I confronted him. I asked him why he would be so cruel as to say that? He started trying to lie about it. I ended up causing a scene. I hope I embarassed him. But I honestly wish I hadn't gone in there. It only made me feel worse. It just hurts so much that he said that. And I do believe he did, because I know him and I know he is a liar. But that.......that was absolutely the cruelest thing ever that he could have possibly done. I'm sure when he said it, he thought I would never find out about it. But I did. I will never forgive him for that. EVER. He KNEW I was pregnant, and he knew it was his. He went to the doctor with me. But he doesn't know what I went through when I delivered our daughter. Maybe it's time he did. Maybe I should make sure he knows every last little detail. He never would listen to me about it before. Of course, it's taken years to even be able to talk about it this way. But I think he should know. I want him to know exactly what I went through. That was his daughter. He has 3 other children, and I have no doubt he will fertilize more seeds. But there will always be one missing, no matter how many other children he has. I have a tattoo with my daughters name on my shoulder, and I know it pisses him off that I got his last name displayed on my back. Haha, too bad, get over it. It's for my daughters memory. I'm so angry and full of hatred right now. For him and his girlfriend, who is only 3 years older than his oldest son. In my mind, many, many times, I have made the mental trip to Home Depot and bought the shovel and plastic tarp. That, combined with my rage, and my knowledge of where uncovered wells are located at in the woods on our old family farm.......well, that's just not good. No, I'm not serious, in the least. I would've already, if I would do something like that. But, I have such animosity toward BOTH of them right now. I don't understand why she told me that. Well, yes, I do. I did ask her what sort of bad things she mentioned he'd said were. Well, she sure told me. I don't know if she intended to be so cruel, or if it was just her lack of maturity, but damn......That was a low blow. She really should think about that, what he said. If he said that about me, wonder what he's said about her? But I didn't stoop to that level and tell her what all he's said to me about her and her family. I'm just really angry right now. At both of them. And I feel sorry for her. This is her first relationship with a man. And a 39 year old man at that. Who lives with her and her family. Who sleeps in the bed with her. Wow! I think that says alot about her family and her upbringing. A 17 year old and a 39 year old. Sounds like a Jerry Springer episode. My god, I feel like I used to date a pedophile!!
Ok, my rant is over. I have not named any names, and have not been specific about anything. So, this is for ex's girlfriend, if you are reading this, do not comment on it. I don't want to embarass you, but I will if you force me to. I'm sure some things I've said piss you off. Too bad. This is my journal and my thoughts and my feelings. If you don't like what I have to say, don't visit my page anymore. I probably won't write another entry like this, but I had to get this off my chest. I didn't mention your name, so if you don't comment and identify yourself, then it's still anonymous.
That's all for now........What are your thoughts on this?