Actual journal entry

5-11-11
Dear journal,
Well decided that I am going to start writing in a journal again. I have so much going on in my life right now. I feel so numb and confused !! It's like I'm dead inside.but I shouldnt be!! I have a bf that loves me so much . I just wig I could love him the same. Almost every guy Ive dated has my heart . Im going to list their names
1. Joey hicks
2. Kris
3. Justin flom
4. Tanner steinhour
5. Kyle
6. Brendan sears
I know it's messed that Brendan has my heart but I mean I started to love him and then he used me for sexual reasons. I literally feel nothing right now. It's like I don't exist.
I hate hate hate myself!! I have never liked looking at my body ecause of the scars. I'm still in shock that my stepbrother raped me from ages 5-6. I can remember some of but not much. I need help and richie is all I have. I wish I could live a normal life...
P.s the only person I love is richie aragon