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I am so afraid of losing him to someone he sees everyday that I could never compete with. I'm afraid of missing out on the nights we should've spent together, and that I'll eventually just end up living vicariously through his friends in order to have some kind of connection with him.
Ugh. I want to bring all this out into the open and be like, "HEY. SO YOU LIKE ME, I LIKE YOU, LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS." just so we can get it over with because it's been TWO YEARS in the making and my heart will probably explode if he sends me another "I wish I were there or you were here. Whatever works" text with 2309842039845 smilies at the end of it like the idiot that he is.
I just need him to know that I'm not going to fuck around if we end up going through with this. Neither of us really date around, so if we make a conscious decision to commit to one another, it needs to be solid and I trust him with everything so I know he'd be okay with the distance thing, but I just need to know in the back of my head that at the end of the day, we still have each other.
And I suppose we still have that now, but it's basically become the elephant in the room. As far as he knows, everyone's aware of the situation except me, but because my friends are the way they are, that whole situation stayed a secret for about ten minutes. But I'm playing coy and not going to say anything about knowing until the moment arises, and then go from there.
It'll be really hard, though. To not be able to see him for long periods of time. I might be going to visit him in a couple months, but still. A month is a long time. Especially when you don't have any money to get yourself food for one day, let alone 9 hours worth of gas.
I just miss him so much. Forget all this lovesick puppy shit, I just miss wearing his jackets, his ridiculous hand gestures, the way he drives his car, and that stupid smile. He's my best friend and the light of my life and I just need to keep it together until the end of the week and then I'll probably end up screaming I ENJOY YOUR FACE on the phone or something just as embarrassing and ridiculous just to get it all out there. And then we'll see how it goes. What do I have to lose, right?