Death

My friend died. It's nothing new, I know...But it hurts. It hurts to lose someone you loved, still love, so much. Even after three and a half years. I cry every now and then. I try to get over him. I mean. He was so much more to me than just a friend. He was my first crush, my first boyfriend. We dated for over two years. Sure, we had our ups and downs but he was amazing. He was....He was my Andrew. It's hard for the guys I date now to understand why it's hard for me to love them. I'm not using Andrew as an excuse...but...honestly, it's because I can't get over him. I wanted him to be my first everything!! My first kiss, my first hand-holding, I wanted to go away to college with him...marry him, live with him. Grow old with him. But that damn cancer took him away from me. I didn't see it coming. It hit my blind spot. And now....three years later....I still feel the same way. I talk about him as though he weren't dead...It makes me feel better that way. Makes the hole seem smaller. I put on a mask for everyone...I don't want them to see how sad I really am. Honestly, it's not a depressed kinda of sad....