I hate seeing my grandmother cry.

trigger warning.

Mainly because my father and stepmother spent four years emotionally abusing me and telling me that it was my fault that she got depression. Like, logically, I know it's because her serotonin levels aren't balanced or whatever. But still, everytime I see her cry, which is basically everytime I see her, I hear them telling me what they told me and I just want to cut myself.

I'm trying to quit. But I've spent the five years since I started trying to quit. Or trying to hold it off. Or trying to replace it with snapping elastic bands and red marker pens. Or trying to minimize the damage. But I'm literally at a loss this morning. I keep thinking about my father.

I can't anyway. I'm not allowed unless there's someone here. My mum is a bit paranoid I'm going to need stitches. I don't have the pain tolerance or sharp enough razors. Which frustrates me. It takes more cuts to get the same release then. I've promised myself I will only cut on my left forearm from on. I haven't got much more room.

/too open and honest.
May 31st, 2011 at 11:08am