third day without love

Wednesday June 1st

To me a journal is where you write about your life, and whats going on. Well i have been with this girl for 8 months on the 13th. We have fallen madly in love with each other. But she now lives 14 hours away since Sunday May 29th. We went from seeing each other every single day to not seeing each other at all, and barely talking. She now tells me that she doesn't know what she wants and needs time to figure it out. This hurt so hard when she told me that. I don't know when the next time I'll get to see her is. I might get to in July, maybe.

This all went from me and her moving together, to just her. Then from her moving on a Friday to moving on a Monday and then she left on a Sunday. Now once she's up there she'll be moving with her family -aunt and uncle- to a new home. She doesn't seem to really care about anything, or anyone she left behind. She is soo happy it almost kills me, cause I'm stuck at this stupid ass house I've lived in for long enough with people that don't give a shit.

I'm only writing this because I can't talk to anyone about it, so i figured I'd express my feelings on here.

I half heartily want to break up with her, but I know that would kill us both. I just wish there was some way we could just be together. I had a dream last night that she came home, but her family came with her and she couldn't go anywhere without them. I just wanted to spend time with her, me and her time, but her family was always there.

I went to a friends house Sunday night cause I wanted a distraction so I could stop crying and feeling bad. We watched an anime show -shuffle- and all I wanted was to lay there and cuddle with her. But she wasn't there and I knew if I cuddled with my friend, she would get mad at him and me, and then I would feel horrible afterwards.

I wish now that i didn't have such guilt over doing something like that. Cause that's all I want is for someone to comfort me. I don't need sex or anything, just comfort cuddling.

Monday I spent the whole day with an ex who is now a friend -Tim- and my sister -Lilly- and then that night we went to my friend Tristian's house and watched movies in her room. I laid between Tim and Lilly. But i wanted so badly to just cuddle with someone. I laid really close to Tim cause my sister kept pushing me over, but I didn't mind I liked the feeling of being near someone.

Thursday I am going to meet and hangout with a friend that I used to like, and he still likes me. I want so badly to be able to just cuddle with him and not feel any guilt towards what I'm doing. Lauren keeps telling me to do what ever I want this summer just have fun, but don't cheat on her...

Me and my sister Lilly, who is 15, talked last night and she thinks cuddling isn't cheating so I wanted to ask Lauren but she was asleep. So I'm not sure what I'll do.

I'm trying to fill everyday this summer with hanging out with a friend. I really wish i had girlfriends I could hangout with, cause I want to stay the weekend with someone. But I know my mom wouldn't let me if I asked to stay with a guy, but I'm going to ask her anyways...

Why does love have to hurt so bad?
:/

Maybe things will just fall into place, hopefully cause I'm tired of feeling like this is all wrong.