Coping With Death.

Dear Journal,
It's 2:27 a.m. and I cannot sleep. My eyes are brimmed with tears and my heart aches. I wan't to hear his voice tell me he loves me. I need to feel him next to me! I need to feel safe and he was the only person who could make me feel that way. He was the only person that could make my heart race and my tummy flip. He was the only one that made me feel compltetly and entirely happy. Oh God I miss him. I miss him so freaking much.
A guy today called me 'babe' and I didn't feel anything at all but when He called me 'babe' it made me smile and blush and get light headed. I was mad when I was with him. I was insane and crazy and so so so so happy. I'm tired of the hurt I just want him to be here. Sometimes living with the pain is unthinkable. I cannot fathome living another day yet, somehow, I manage to live on. I can't breathe; I feel trapped. I need to feel reasurrance. I want to be okay. I want to be happy.
Coping with death is harder than I imagined it would ever be. I did think about it though; I thought about the possibilities of losing someone special to me. I don't know why I thought about it because I talked to a lot of people and they said they never think about it. It always intrigued me because I didn't know the feeling. I didn't know how it felt to lose someone so important. I never thought it'd actually happen to me. I now know how it aches and haunts you. I keep my saddness at bay though. I try to keep it away for as long as I can before I completely lose it. I don't really cry anymore, not much anyways. I just feel dizzy and sick. I am happy though because he was happy then. He was so happy and wonderful so it's hard for me to think saddly of him. He was a very very special person. I don't really understand how I'm still alive without him. I feel like a broken piece of junk. I feel like I am nothing. Without him I feel worthless.
I used to think I was made to be there with him but then he died so there must be something more right? There has got to be something more that God has planned for me, if there is a God. I don't know anything for sure anymore. All I know is that a person can't "cope" with death. A person can't get over it. It will always be there. You can block it out and pretend it never happened but it will always be there to inflict a constant pain in your heart.
It hurts more than I thought it would. I know that I will never get over this. I will never cope with his death. I loved him and he's gone now.

-Nicole.