My list of fears

Second day of June, Thursday. A little after 10:30. It's been hot for the past few days but now it's looking pretty stormy and there's a cold wind. Not too horrible. At least there's no tornadoes. Lately there's been some hitting seemingly random spots all over the US. A recent one was in Missouri that was really bad and I just heard about one in Massachusetts. Some even hit in places in New York. Hopefully not here though. Gosh, I pray it won't come here.

Ugh, I'm not really afraid. I mean, come on. I'm afraid of lots of things. Okay, you want to know? Alright, let's title this entry "My list of fears". Here we go............

1. Never being able to make myself heard. I can't scream. I just can't. I've had nightmares about that, you know, when I'll need to scream for help and I won't be able to because my throat closes and no sound comes out. And lately I feel like no one ever hears me. Either that or I just don't say anything because I'm afraid. Stupid fear.

2. Sharks. My little brother teases me about it, but I'm terrfied of swimming in the ocean and getting attacked by a shark. It's rare, but hey.

3. Being picked up and carried away. I hate people picking me up. I just hate it. It terrifies me, for seemingly no reason.

4. Spiders. Not giant ones or even tarantulas. Nope, I have no problem with those. In fact, they're like old friends to me because when I was little I went to my gran's house and I caught my very own baby tarantula. It was so darn cute. But any other spider and I run away like there's no tomorrow, screaming bloody murder. Highly embarrassing, but eh.

5. Waking up to a lightning bolt. Not the lightning itself, just waking up to it. I feel more vulnerable that way.

6. Falling... not from necessarily great heights, just... falling itself. When I climb a tree, I'm fine. When I'm on a ferris wheel, still fine. But take me to the edge of the cliff and.......gosh, I can't go near the edge without thinking I'm going to die. Maybe just because there's nothing to hold onto and.....yeah, enough said.

7. Not being able to keep my little brother and sister protected. They're so little and innocent... I couldn't bear to have them get hurt when I could've been there to stop anything from happening to them!!! I'm so protective of them...........

8. Being the one to hurt my loved ones. Like my little brother and sister, since I'm already ready to jump in front of a bus for them. If I hurt them, it hurts me, too. And then if I hurt my parents or friends I.... Sigh. I'm always afraid of that. :(

9. Senior guys. Haha, some of them are fine, but I'm always afraid of one of them trying to, I don't know, stalk me or something down the school hallway. I get nervous when they walk behind me and I'm alone and I can't stand it when they look over at me and smile. I just... ugh, I shudder.

10. Being covered with bugs. I already told you about the spider thing, but now imagine this: bus crawling over every inch of you and you being helpless. Ugh, it makes my skin crawl and I feel sick to my stomach. Lots of things make me feel sick.

11. Losing myself. One day, I'll be an old lady who can't function properly and will forget what happened to me when I was little or maybe I'll be twenty something and hit my head and forget everything. I used to want that. But now? I don't want to lose me. Because that's all the world has of me. Me. And if that goes away, then what if it never comes back? Not only will I have lost it, but my friends and... everyone. And I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of not having me anymore. I feel like it's the only thing I have left to cling to, especially because I don't really know who I am. I'm a teenager; how would I know?! So.... I'm scared the true me will dissipate and never return..... :(

12. Not so much a fear, but I can't stand the smell of cooking meat. It makes me extremely sick. Not like bacon. Gosh, that smells brilliant. But cooking hamburger, steak, etc, is just..... I can't even think about it without wanting to leave the room and curl into the fetal position and sing myself to sleep. The sight of raw meat, or even just medium rare sickens me. Any pink in the meat and I'm already tensing up, ready to bolt.

13. No, I'm not afraid of thirteen. Haha, best number EVER actually. Nope, this one's weird. Oranges. Honestly, I have orangeaphobia. <-- thirteen letters, by the way. :) Okay, I don't know what's up with this one. I used to just not like them. But about a year or two ago, every time someone opened an orange near me, or in an enclosed room where the scent was trapped, I'd feel like I was going to die. And now I'll try and get myself to eat one, and my hands will start shaking and a real fear will grip me, like the type you'd feel when a monster's breathing down your neck. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just messed up, I guess.