Even Though He's Dead...

Dear Journal,
His death becomes more real every day. I wish he'd be here with me but he isn't and I get that now. I understand now that no matter how much I wish and pray, he's never ever ever coming back ever again. But even though he's dead, I still admire him everyday. I still look up to him because he was the most amazing person I had ever met. He was so smart, kind, and respectful. The one thing I loved most about him was that he liked me for me and he didn't change himself to try to get me to like him. He was just himself and he let me be me! I really felt like he was the one you know? I felt like we were meant to be... maybe we really weren't? I'm pretty sure I loved him. I felt so much for him. I did have a few doubts about our relationship but then I figured out I couldn't live without him. I can't really explain our relationship very well. We were so close, so happy.
I feel like a ghost; walking in a trance. I feel invisible to the world and completely dead inside. I can't look myself in the mirior without imagining him standing beside me. I can't paint my fingernails without thinking about how perfect his hand fit in mine. I can't brush my hair without remembering him run his fingers through it all those times. My world is empty without him and it's completely killing me. I keep living on though. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be able to move on, that's on a good day. On a bad day I feel so alone and broken. I dream about him sometimes to. It's never nightmares though. At first I felt pain because of his death but now I feel happiness... for him anyways. I wish he could have taken me with him. I know he couldn't have though.
I'm happy that he lived a great life. He really did, even though it was very short. I loved him so much. He was so much to me. I feel... sad.

-Nicole </3