I've started again.

Am I proud? No.
Am I addicted? Yes.
Do I want to stop? Of course.
Can I stop? I don't think so.

...I've started cutting again.
Things have been so terrible lately. I've been going through a lot of relationship sh*t, family drama, and of course, my friends are mad at me again, and they won't tell me why. My entire world just feels like it's crashing down on my shoulders, and it's been that way for weeks and weeks and weeks. I'm just so confused. Nothing's working. Mom's being mean again. My sister is moving away, my grandma's dying, Ian's mad at me, Ellie's mad at me, Brayden's cutting again, just nothing is working.
Let me explain.
This dumb a*s relationship sh*t is torture. I guess I should have listened. I never should have even thought about it. Whoever told me not to go for it, was right. They were all right. Nothing good ever comes out of this. I don't know how to do anything anymore, this crap is always on my mind. I met this boy, Brayden [Yes, the one who's cutting...again.] And... he just had to find me "pretty". And then of course, he just had to ask me out, and then, of course, I had to say yes, because he was really desperate of me and I never want to hurt anybody like that. And then... Ian came into the picture. I wasn't dating Ian anymore at that time, but one day he came up to me and he was crying and crying and crying and cutting and cutting and cutting and I had to dump Brayden for him before he did anything terrible. And then a month later, Brayden was doing the same thing, only he actually tried to kill himself, because of me. And I was so.. tied up, I knew if I dumped Ian he was just going to keep hurting himself, and if I didn't date Brayden, he was going to die. Brayden spilled his love for me, in tears, with scars all over his feet and wrists and chest and shoulders, and I couldn't take it. So last night, I told Ian that if I didn't date this boy he was going to kill himself, and so I broke up with him for Brayden [Who I must say, I am much happier with now.] But... Ian is sad again. But he's on vacation with his family for another few days, so he should be safe, but what happens when he gets home? What happens when he thinks of what I've done? What will he do? I can't handle anything right now, I need help.
I'm so stupid.
And my friends? They're mad at me, they wont tell me why. I feel so alone.

Please, I need somebody to talk to.
Just help me.
Send me a message or write me a comment on my page or something.
I need you guys right now.