first journal entry since eigth grade o_O

Okay, so, I'm not very good these things and no one will probablly read it anyway so here goes.

Sometimes, I want to fall asleep and never wake up, to never open my eyes ever again, ever. I dream of jumping in front of buses and in front of trains, even overdosing on my own sleeping pills. It is the only way to stop the voices and hurt and pain. No one understands, not even my best friend, she doesn’t see me. No one does, all they see is the same quite girl day after day after day, only looking on the outside not seeing the rotten core inside of the poison apple. I am all alone in a world spun of envy, hate, and greed, I’m scared. Do you know what it’s like to be so scared that you shake and sweat from fright? I’ve seen the school shrink a lot, none this year thankfully except for forecasting my schedule for next year. I don’t like talking to shrinks, I mean come on; does anyone in there sain state of mind want to talk to a complete stranger about personal issues you try your best to forget about? I didn’t think so.

Maybe the reason I turned out so weird is because I was molested in eight and ninth grade, that’s when the voices started at least. They tell me I’m dirty and ugly and stupid, I just wish they would go away; but they do not. I also wish for someone to come save me from this dark depression, but that only happens in the movies’ and fairytales’ both of which are made up to delude us from the real meaning of life. And to find that out, sadly I just you will just have to suck it up and read my horribly written diary over the next couple of months. Once you think about it, don’t you think it’s sad that what takes months to write and create only takes hours just to read?

Anyways, totally getting off subject, today after school Mrs. Miller jumped into the creek that runs behind Olinger pool and the Environmental center. She made a bet our advisory class that we couldn’t get everything on the Holiday gift basket list thinking we wouldn’t be able to do it, but we did. And long story short, today she finally waded out into the dirty waters full of the little baby salmon my class released into it in Biology, and capsized. Don’t worry, she didn’t grow a third eyeball or anything, she just took a bath in drug/beer/pee/salmon water. A long time ago after my sister and I went swimming at Olinger, we saw a cute little raccoon minding his/her own business when all of a sudden these nasty kids began throwing rocks at it. My sister dragged me away muttering under her breath, but I looked back and watched the masked face disappear behind a crack between two big moss infested rocks. I never did ever figure out what happened to it, but I can guess, and have always wondered since.

P.S. the last time I journaled, I had to burn it to keep people from reading it.