Something everyone strives for but never achieves because everyone's perception of "perfect" is different.
I, myself, am a perfectionist. A bad one, but still a perfectionist none the less. I try my hardest to perfect everything and when I realize that I can't, I settle for my best. More than anything I just wish to be perfect physically. It depresses me that I'll never reach my version perfect in any aspect. My drive for perfection makes me hate who I am.
Some days I wish I was someone else, looked different, or focus too much on my appearance to even leave the house. As messed up as it is, I almost wish I had an eating disorder. My body disgusts me and no matter how hard I try it never changes. Eating right, running six to ten miles a week, and drinking countless bottles of water just doesn't work.
People say, "oh you're not fat.", "you're perfect how you are.", "you're gorgeous.", but I cant bring myself to believe any of it. In a way I blame society, but that doesn't affect the way I feel about myself. I want to be about five foot six and weigh a hundred and thirty pounds or at least a size six, but these are things I'll never achieve. I'm three inches shorter and who knows how overweight i am. I refuse to step on a scale because it reminds me that I'll never be anything less than who i want to be.
I'm just not happy with mostly anything about myself, but my weight bothers me the most I guess. My face shape, eyes, teeth, nose, mouth, body, and personality are just not how I want them to be. My hair is the only aspect of myself that I like because I can color, style, cut, and modify it anyway I'd like. Usually people are afraid of change but this is one I would be willing to embrace.
I want to be like the girls i see all over on magazines, beaches, even just around town. I don't wear shorts because of my legs. To me, they're fat and gross but more than that, they're scarred. I would cut because my brother would make comments on my appearance and I'd cut the part that displeased me the most. I don't wear tank tops because of my arms. I walk around in jeans and hoodies because they hide my insecurities. Even if i wear a shirt, it has to be long and cover my arms as well as my butt. I seem so typical but I cant help it. I'm so self conscience, no matter where I go I look in windows, mirrors, and anything else to reassure myself that I'm the person I hate. I walk differently, stand awkwardly, and try to stay as invisible as possible, yet no matter where I go, I get dirty looks and looks like I shouldn't even walk the earth.
I believe this is the reason no guy will talk or even look at me unless its in disgust. I've never been kissed and I've had one boyfriend two years ago in real life. Of course online dating is fun for a bit but what does it satisfy? Nothing. It just reassures me on the position that if I don't change, I'll never be accepted.